When twitter's not enough and Facebook's too public.

I'm stark raving mad I am.

2011-12-24T04:37:00.003+08:00

goddamnit it's 4.30 in the morning and I've been working the whole night only to realise that what I did was worthless so I deleted the whole chunk and am stuck with what I started with, but 4.5 hours later. What the hell I'm so fricking mad right now do people who work hard never get rewarded in this shit world?! I mean if this was a screwed up birthday card or something I wouldn't be the least ticked off, but hell this is my diploma grade and I'm being judged not just by the teachers but by people who hate me and want me dead and the last thing I want is to cement their reasons for feeling that way about me, and I've got other work to do and my time is running out. I truly think I've really been spending more time doing work than I should resting on a holiday I worked hard and deserved, and I'm sick of the entire world having a better life than me. Obviously I'm exaggerating here but I'm really so filled with rage so big that it can't seep through my pores and be expressed as healthy anger.
asdfghjkl

2011-10-27T19:29:00.001+08:00

I'm only posting here because twitter only accepts 140 characters and there are people who judge a lot, and I'm not in the mood to be judged today.

Something tells me that the compliments were fake but I'm just gonna brush it aside and pretend they were judges' comments from ANTM. Ah, feels much better now.
Whatever only losers blog nowadays.
Loserific me.

okay enough of that
I'm only posting here because for a very stupid reason.
I didn't bring my script back and can't do my essay now
and I was mentally preparing to finish it
I AM SO MAD!

Oh and also my ass is ridiculously huge. Bye.

2011-10-12T01:49:00.001+08:00

just spent an hour reading the archives of this blog and
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING BACK THEN??!

WHY

2011-10-03T21:31:00.005+08:00

WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST GO MY WAY

you don't know what I want

2011-10-03T21:31:00.003+08:00

if you don't get what I mean, there's no way for me to explain

2011-09-24T00:49:00.003+08:00

I'm so disgusted with myself for eating.

get the fuck out of my room or I will fucking get out of your life the second I can afford to do so

2011-09-19T23:05:00.002+08:00

lay me with the kings and bury me around riches

fml

2011-09-15T01:28:00.000+08:00

Who still uses blogger nowadays? This is crazy.

I hate studying and I've been wasting my time so far, but fuck not doing anything won't improve my situation so I'm just gonna get some work done now. I'm just destined to be a huge loser for the rest of my life.

it's only a matter of time before I kill my brother

2011-09-12T23:05:00.000+08:00

There hasn't been a single thing my parents have said for the past few years that hasn't made me want to:

- run away from home

- kill myself

- hate myself even more

- stab them

- vow never to take care of them when I grow up

WHY KEEP ME BREATHING IF YOU AREN'T FUCKING PROUD OF ANYTHING I DO

I'M JUST WASTING YOUR MONEY AND YOUR TIME AND YOUR LIFE AWAY

And any shitbag who has the cheek to ask me why my posts are so emo,

go kill yourself please, you're not worth my time.

2011-09-08T01:02:00.000+08:00

No one's words can make me hate being me as much as my parents' can.

I don't know what you fucking want from me. I don't even know why I'm living for you.

I can't wait to graduate and leave this damned country away from everyone.

If I were male, I'd totally embrace National Service.
Come on, you're in a complete male environment, no women.
No one to stop you from cursing like a pirate or behaving like a total dick, or saying really lewd and distasteful, overly sexual comments.
You could describe to your buddies anything and there wouldn't be a woman there saying "hey, watch your tongue" or "eew that's so gross"
Everything you say is going to be immediately embraced.
And come on, it's not like we're going straight to war after your enlistment, so you're pretty much being paid by the government to hang out in a totally testosterone-filled environment and work out every single day.
You're gonna leave the camp smokin' hot and fit and I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of girls who can't resist a man in uniform.
Not to mention that everyone's gonna call you the nation's son or something like that.
Just for wearing green, frolicking in the jungle and making those abs rock hard.
Think about it.

I don't know how obvious I have to be for people to know that I hate it when they say I'm not fat.

Any bastard who says that to my face should drown in a river.

And as much as I try to think otherwise, anyone who dares say that I'm not fat or ugly isn't important in my life.

Really, who's gonna thank you for lying? You're nothing.

And to see it from a Nazi point of view, males should fight and girls should breed.
So going by that dictation, a girls' form of National Service would be to learn how to eat right and cook right, dress to cover up (Nazi ideology here) and do yoga. That sort of thing.
Women would be paid to hang out in an all-girl environment where shaving and makeup wouldn't be necessary because you wouldn't have to impress guys, and let's say we're all in uniform, like a shirt and track pants (since we have to do yoga).
Track pants flatter any kind of butt and leg shape, admit it.
And don't deny that good nutrition and yoga won't give us the svelte body we want.

National Service is a very win-win thing.
No one pays me to see this; I truly truly believe it.
If I were a guy I'd totally embrace National Service, so don't be worried men, everything's going to be worth it
:)

It sucks that no one sees how hard I try because I fail all the time.

Doesn't mean I fail means I didn't fucking try.

By the way it's less than a 109 days to Christmas :)

I wonder

2011-09-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

I wonder how people are gonna react when they find out that I was really disgusted with my ugly and fat so I made myself sick on purpose to avoid meeting anybody. Most likely they'll go "oh thank god I didn't wanna see her anyways".

get the hint.

2011-08-31T00:39:00.000+08:00

SO CUTE, I'M INSPIRED.

motherfocker

2011-08-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

I hope you know how pissed I am at you for treating me this unfairly
and I'm NEVER crediting you for any shit I do I swear on this.
You selfish, biased, two-faced bitch, burn in fucking hell just burn.

things to do

2011-08-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

Sleep is definitely out of the question for me now.

I have tons of unread emails, but nyeh.
I haven't visited tumblr in ages, but nyeh.
I haven't read a tweet in 5 hours, but nyeh.
I have yet to buy a gelaskin, or blackberry cover, or get my zig markers or book ends or any other things I need, but nyeh.
I have yet to lose weight and grow tall and become a princess, but nyeh.

Work's more important now.
In fact, work is so important that I'm planning on staying up the entire night to get things done.
Yes, on a Monday, with a test tomorrow.
If everyone else can do it, so I can.

I refuse to sleep until I at least:
Finish my World Lit Essay
Vectors worksheet

And if possible:
Pecha Kucha
1 section of History IA
History Essays Plans

VERY EASY, SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.
If I manage to get these done I'm definitely rewarding myself.
But right now, sleep is definitely out of the question.
Eye bags, come hither.

fyoo

2011-08-15T20:14:00.002+08:00

if you're only around when I'm happy,
I will stick to you in your darkest moments.
AND LAUGH AT YOU.

damn I don't deserve this.

On a happier note, I FINALLY have strawberries in the fridge! :D

justin case

2011-08-08T22:20:00.000+08:00

1. I've decided not to post personal things on this blog anymore because as much as I never intended, my posts can come across as very emotional, depressing and attention-seeking, and that's really not the effect I was going for. Also, I realise that the more I tell the truth, the more people respond or react to me with lies and artificiality. This is a very vicious cycle that I am unable to break out of, and seeing that there are people in this world who can be both a) friends of mine and b) very two-faced, the truth is something I have to be careful with. It's not a matter of "if you can't beat them, join them" because I'm not going to start putting on a fake front. I'm just going to be more cautious about what I say, because there are people who are out to see me fail and as much as I do not enjoy my life right now, human instinct suggests that I fight for my survival, and that is what I shall do. YES, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR ACTIONS.

2. My pride dictates that I never say this to them in person, but in case anything happens and people read my blog for clues or boredom, I just wanna say that anyone who is related to me by blood means a lot to me. Regardless of how much they attempt to make my life a living hell or make me feel very unloved at times, this dark, masochistic, twisted side of me has so much love for them that cannot be verbally expressed, and that's all I shall say.

3.

This is my brother (he's the dude on the left). When I was taking a bath just now I had the sudden epiphany to present him the most godawesome birthday gift, in the hopes that the gift will finally unlock his ~~thick~~ skull and he will use the genius within to do something with his ~~currently bleak~~ (thou shalt judge not) life. If the gift has no effect on him, I have officially failed as a shitbag of a sister and will have no choice but to kill his girlfriend. I'm kidding. I've thought of it though. I'm kidding again. If this plan to wake him up with a birthday present does not succeed, I shall henceforth work my ass off to get a scholarship to study overseas and never come back. Sounds more like it. And while I'm there I will hire a hitman to kill his girlfriend. I'm kidding again. Not. Haha kidding about the not. Not. Okay kidding. I have about 3 months.

4. Oh holey fugbags someone get me a chainsaw to get rid of all my cellulite already.

5. Since I have a ton of graded school assignments to do, I shall now sort my priorities and start with planning my brother's godawesome birthday gift. ~~I'd rather fail as a student than fail as a sister~~. Okay I had better not curse myself that way because I am on huge jinx.

Ciao.

thoroughly annoyed

2011-07-26T19:18:00.000+08:00

I am very very unsatisfied right now
I just spent over 2 hours reading on material for Murdoch and Geronimo, just to have sufficient information for one slide.
!!!!!!!
I mean I'm proud of my focus and all that, but only one slide?!
You would think that this actually amounted to something more
Sure, I know a lot about both situations now, but no one is going to see the depth of my knowledge.
It's all going to boil down to how I link it to Ethics
and the worst thing is I only know the details, I haven't analysed it!
Sometimes I don't even know why I read up so much just to give so little.
What I give is really the tip of the iceberg, and the worst thing is I LITERALLY am extremely sincere in what I do.
Every reflection, presentation or essay I've done is a sincere understanding of what I have learned, and the worst thing is the sincerest of people, and the most diligent and willful of people NEVER WIN.
I never win, and I can't stand it.

On the bright side, I have pretty good food at home now
Gonna be one fat pig, but at least I enjoy swallowing all the guilt for the ten minutes I eat.

Potter lives.

2011-07-16T00:44:00.000+08:00

I think sadness hits me late.
About a week?
24 hours after watching and it just struck me that Voldemort has died.
And Harry Potter is 19 years older.
It's odd.
But when it hit me, my body just went absolutely hollow
and I think I just might cry.
Not very likely, since I haven't cried in 3 years, but it's a possibility.
Just in time for Elsinore.
Hmm, good characterisation.

WHY

2011-07-04T22:26:00.001+08:00

WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST GO MY WAY

thank you god

2011-06-12T01:44:00.000+08:00

Thank you so much for today.
I am so glad I didn't give up, and you work in the strangest of ways.
Thank you also for the head start, and for holding me back at the last minute.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with you and I don't know what to do, but as long as you don't turn your back completely on me I've still got something to hold on to.
Keep my family legit, and keep my fats away.
Amen.

new winds.

2011-06-10T13:12:00.001+08:00

I am partially happy today because today is the last day of my 2-week stay-home-lie-in-bed-and-do-nothing programme which the doctor has ordered, which means starting from tomorrow I can finally be active like a normal human being and start on my new challenge which won't be easy, but I'm confident it will make me happier, which I hope is what everybody wants.

Yes.

This holiday has been quite fine so far and I'm praying it gets better.

I think one way to make this holiday better would be to get rid of my brother, he doesn't seem to be serving any positive purpose in my life right now. Another is to get rid of physics so I have one huge chunk of work less to worry about. Since both are unfeasible at this point of human techbology, I shall have to make do with 2 idiotic circumstances.

Anyway here's a picture to show the world I am a happy person:

I love this show, have I mentioned it?

So yes, I am a happy person.

laduritch

2011-06-10T13:10:00.001+08:00

so I've been reading and re-reading my research for the past half an hour and I am so lost
I feel like I'm trapped in a sphere and a corner is my only way of escape so I'm just running all over the place trying to find that corner even though I know it's not there
I've been sitting at my desk looking over my research, and I'm so tired and I just want to sleep
I think if anyone is bored enough to read this they're gonna think I'm a moron for getting this emotional over my work
trust me, if this didn't mean anything to my future, I wouldn't be reacting like this
I would invite you to step into my shoes for a bit, but that's plain cruel.

gosh I miss London, just take me back. I was there exactly a year ago and I want BACK!

die

2011-06-04T11:41:00.000+08:00

I hate being me so much I wish my parents regretted ever giving birth to me.
All of my problems are a result of their fucked up genes.
Yes. thanks to you, ny life is shit and I wish I had never been born.

close.

2011-06-04T01:33:00.000+08:00

It's taking me a lot of effort to live day by day. I have yet to receive just one piece of good news.
At the moment I wake every cell in my body screams "why am I still alive" but this small part of me squeals "it all changes today!" but at the end I'm still where I started.
I have been actively trying to change my circumstances to no effect. The only thing I haven't actively pursued is suicide. I refuse to play that stupid game.
I think I'm going to hate tomorrow, I can't see any other way to perceive it.
Just denounced a friend, I need the opposite of that douche with me now.

indeed.

2011-05-30T01:05:00.000+08:00

Knowing that I'll be waking up early tomorrow to no transport and will have to lug my obese ugly self to meet a bunch of skinny pretty people whom I have had to see every weekday for the past 20 weeks, tomorrow, being the first day of my holiday, is definitely going to suck.
Of course it wouldn't suck if my back wasn't hurting or if my right leg wasn't strained or if I were taller and perhaps prettier and smarter, but of course God doesn't want me to win.
God just wants to kill me off but he doesn't want to look like he was being unreasonable so he's making my life so goddamn unbearable and hoping I'll off myself so it'll seem like I gave up instead. I don't know if I should just give the divine being what he wants and seem like the bad guy, or if I should soldier and attempt to beat the odds and suffer for eternity.
Between the devil and the deep blue sea.
I don't want to sleep now because I am so convinced that tomorrow is going to suck.
That's been the trend for the past semester no matter how hard I try to be optimistic, so how can tomorrow be any different.
And blogger on blackberry sucks.
Indeed.

it's okay

2011-05-26T19:34:00.000+08:00

a lot of people hate me. It's okay, I hate myself too. at least we have something in common (:

cbr

2011-05-22T23:25:00.000+08:00

three little birds sat on my wonder and they told me I don't need to worry

summer came like cinnamon so sweet little girls double dutch on the concrete

mmhmm

2011-05-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

mmhmm.

joke

2011-05-22T00:18:00.002+08:00

HAHAHA, what a joke.

nyeh

2011-05-20T12:38:00.001+08:00

I'm sick.

Sick sick sick.

Psychologically so.

I'm so damaged.

I'm actually on a high right now, and I'm still typing this

like whut.

All these things I don't like about life is SCREAMING in my head

and I can't list a single on without listing everything else

so I'm not even going to start

of course there are things that make me happy

but these happy things just lead to bad things

and I'm quite done with that

I'd give an example, but that would mean I have to list everything

so I'm not even going to start.

why me, that's not fair.

and I'm awkwardly creeped out now.

but that aside, I really need to get away but I can't
and every time I try to get away I get more suffocated in this mess
and this might sound really overdramatic, but it's not
if you look at me in person I'm really fine, it's just these moments

eat to death

2011-05-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

just as I think that maybe I can start feeling good about myself, I get slammed.
great.
today was the first day in ages I ate cereal from a bowl.
First.
I haven't used a bowl for cereal in more than 9 months, or probably more,
because using a cup would mean that I ate less, and maybe I might lose weight, and then I could become skinny and pretty, but if I ate from a bowl, the carbs would turn into fat and I'd be some butt ugly fatass
which I am, but I'm not butt ugly, just ugly.
And today I ate from a bowl.
It wasn't easy, and I definitely hadn't realised how hard it would be until I poured the cornflakes in.
I started with apprehensive spoonfuls and ate with a spoon that was smaller than a teaspoon
because I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this supposed stupid choice of
eating cereal from a bowl, but slowly it got better
and by the end I also had a second helping
I know it's a bad choice, but I wasn't feeling bad, so why not take advantage of it right?

but today was the first day I ate what I didn't like simply because I was hungry.
I wasn't even in a bad mood, and I only eat what I don't like when I'm in a bad mood.
Usually I just wait for something nice and likable to come along.

Well today was a carb-filled day, which I wasn't trying to feel bad about,
because I knew that I could just eat more vitamins and fibre tomorrow instead
and exercise when the weather and blisters were better
and I had a sort of movement workshop, and I perspired, so I was doing some work right
and I was craving pandan cake.

then my dad tells me I'm disgusting for not eating a proper meal
because I'm loading nothing but rubbish into my body
He's being a tad ridiculous, because he brought me to a very stupid and disappointing place for breakfast
a place in which the menu had NOTHING of any nutritional value. I swear on this.
And if I'm loading rubbish into my body, then WHY DOES THE BLOODY HOUSE HAVE RUBBISH INSTEAD OF NUTRITION
or, why does he get to eat his junk food like CHOCOLATE CAKE and TURKISH DELIGHT and HAW FLAKES while I can't eat BREAD or CHEESE or CEREAL or MILK in this house
Please, walk your talk, or stfu.

by the way, the most unhealthy thing I ate today was the chocolate cake which he said was really good and that I really had to try
it was good, but I don't think I would have eaten it if he hadn't mentioned it
and I think the food I ate can be considered breakfast, like cereal, cheese, bread, kaya, coffee, milk etc.
I ate grapes as well.

Today was the first time in 6 months I didn't feel like killing myself for eating more than 800 calories
and my dad ruined it
I don't need you to do it dad, I have enough skinny lucky perfect people in my school blessed with good genes (which you have none of) to make me want to kill myself every single day
and just as I decide that I'm gonna put being skinny (which you told me was NEVER gonna happen) aside so that I can grow taller, you ruin it

anyway he's succeeded in making me hate myself

and that's thrown me entirely off my good energy

so I don't know if I'm going to regret today when I wake up tomorrow

or if I'm going to be even worse and kill myself with carbo overload.

I guess only tomorrow can determine how strong I am
I hope I don't let me down

cillit bang

2011-05-14T01:49:00.000+08:00

I might disagree with this post in future but right now I'm pretty pissed off.

"The student shows some initiative and perseverance in meeting the specific requirements..."
HOW FUCKING DARE SHE.
I just want to scream in her face and rip her papers apart.

and there's more but I'm too worked up to type and everything's just stomping around in my head and sneering at me and yelling "told you you weren't good enough, told you you were a failure"

the worst thing is I can't tell anybody this because I can't even come to terms with how humiliating this is,
and if I were to tell somebody, I might end up screaming in their faces and ripping their papers apart
and nobody deserves this.
Nobody except that damned bitch who dared to say that about me after feeding me all her effing lies.

right now all I can think of-- yes, I'm literally thinking of it-- is holding a revolver at my neck and pulling the trigger. I can even imagine how it feels like, having that metal press against the thin skin just below my jaw, with my index touching the trigger but not exactly curling around it because my fingers are too short, and my thumb gripping the handle. And I swear I can hear the spring when I load the bullet, and all I'm waiting for now is for the courage to pull the damn trigger. I'm stalling time by twisting my wrist here and there to see which angle makes the revolver feel most comfortable at my neck.
I've been thinking about this for weeks, but right now, this image is vivid as fuck.

I'm such a coward. The only reason why I'm still alive is because I'm not brave enough to say "fuck this shit I'm outta here"

fighter

2011-05-13T01:17:00.000+08:00

I think my body is a fighter.
I say "my body" not "I" because it's the subconscious part of me, the part that my mind doesn't control, which is the fighter.
I say this because I realise that just as everybody stops believing in me, instead of giving up, I'm still going on.
Everybody, as in every single living human, including me.
Even I don't have faith in myself and I'm still going
Some people say one can't live without hope.
I'M PROVING THEM WRONG AT THIS VERY SECOND.
I haven't heard a sincere form of encouragement in ages
Maybe I'm not listening. Then again, when your mind shuts down and stops hoping, what's the point in listening
But back to the point, I haven't heard anything positive directed at me in ages
besides shallow comments and hollow compliments
I don't remember ever having anyone look me in the eye within the past few years
and tell me something that is both positive and sincere. The last person was Grace.
That was a year ago, but she's a psychologist so she might have been cheating me, I never know would I.
But even with no hint of positivity and the world's share of negativity on me, my body isn't giving up.
My mind has already said "screw this", but I'm quite sure my body is refusing to listen, and it's just moving and moving and moving and fighting and fighting and fighting and it's not winning
it definitely isn't winning, but it's not really losing either.
It's a fighter.
I can feel it fighting, and my mind is just too beaten to join in
My body is doing all the work, fighting against all the negativity on its own.
My mind won't stop screaming "what's the point" but my body hasn't screamed anything.
It's just marching and marching, uphill, of course, but marching nonetheless
and it's carrying this huge load
this huge load of negativity, of failure, of everything the world has put on me
It's like Hercules carrying the Globe.
It's just carrying the weight on its shoulders and marching uphill
and every time it manages to get rid of some negativity, more immediately spring up and cling even harder.
I think it's going to lose
but that's just my mind speaking.
My body is moving on.

good.

2011-05-08T23:52:00.001+08:00

so screw mRI.
Take a bath, watch a movie, then get back to mRI.
Sounds good? Of course.
After all, if no one gives me marks for always giving 100%,
I think I deserve to reward myself after putting in 80.

maybe I'll become a failure in life.
haha wait I already am, whaddup!
but hey, suicide is just a pen knife away,
but why kill yourself when you can just flip the world off and watch a movie?

I say do that.
Live as a failure and die whenever you want.
Sounds good? Of course.

After all, if no one gives me marks for always giving 100%,

I think I deserve to reward myself after putting in 80.

_|_

pretty darn good.

2011-05-08T03:51:00.000+08:00

stupid me ate too much.
my fault, of course.
anyways I might be digging my own grave but I think I did pretty well by doing 9 pages of mRI so I think I should reward myself by watching a show.
Yes, at this time of night.
And I hope my remaining 1500 - 2000 words will be really good.
):
I really hope my future turns out well, and that the end justifies the means.
if I get famous, I have a pretty darn good autobiography coming along.

bed

2011-05-07T14:06:00.000+08:00

JUST. LIKE. ME.

I just want to curl up into my bed and sleep and never wake up right now.
I can't bring myself to do mRI. All I do is stare at my research and immediately I feel my chest tightening and my temples hurting and something like tears welling up in my eyes. What's the point of even doing it when I know I'm not even going to do well.
It's like a cancer patient carrying on with chemotherapy even in the fourth stage of her illness. What's the point. What's the point when she's gonna die in 2 weeks, and the chemotherapy is going to put her through so much more pain and when the anesthesia doesn't even work anymore. What's the goddamn point.
It's not like I haven't been trying my hardest, I daresay nobody else in the whole class churned up 50 pages of personally typed out research and stay up until 3 doing it while the rest of the world sleeps. Or goes for an MGMT or Maroon 5 concert. Whatever the fugh.
Honestly, what's the goddamn point.
Why am I even saying this when I'm still going to do it anyway. I suffer from student's guilt, and my stupid personality refuses to give up even when it's a lost cause. I'm a captain who insists on sinking with her ship.
I think the next 3 days are going to be one of the most painful days of my IB life.
The worst thing is nobody can get me out of this one.

not fair!

2011-05-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

oh man this isn't fair
I hate dilemmas
I have a headache from studying and have this sickening feeling that nothing is going in my head even though I've been discussing and rereading and annotating and editing
it's like I wasted my entire afternoon doing nothing.

I'm hungry and I want to eat, but I'm gonna feel so guilty for eating
because I feel like I haven't done anything the entire day
and people who don't think don't deserve to eat
and I ate a lot earlier today so I'm really pushing it
I've been putting on weight and nobody wants that no no
but if I don't eat I might screw my metabolism up
and I've been around this weight range for the past 3 years anyway so eating shouldn't make a difference
but argh I'm gonna feel so guilty
and what if I don't eat then I'll be hungry during tomorrow's paper and can't focus
but maybe I don't need food to focus I just need sleep

I really need to exercise, but I'm really tired now
because I've been doing history the entire day
which sucks because it feels like nothing went into my head
and I have a slight headache and my neck kinda hurts
but argh my legs are so gross I need to run
and I'm probably not pushing myself enough
but omg if I exercise I'm gonna eat after that and I'll feel guilty all over again
it's like I might as well don't exercise in the first place

I am tired but I'm too guilty to sleep
because I feel like I haven't done anything productive
so I shouldn't be resting
but my head hurts
then again if I sleep it'll be as if I wasted the opportunity to exercise
and what if I wake up hungry tomorrow, then my stomach will embarrass me during the paper

argh dilemma dilemma dilemma this isn't fair
I make the effort to study and I take care of my health
I pay attention in class and do my homework
and I eat fruits and veggies and nutritious goodness
so I shouldn't be this size and this stupid
I should be getting something out of all this work
but then again it's my fault I'm in this state because I'm a pig.
and pigs are fat and ugly and stupid and make the wrong choices forever

why is it some people can not study and do well
or eat so much and stay skinny
or simply not try and succeed in everything
not fair
not fair
God if this is punishment for not going to church,
I think the non-believers should get a share of this punishment as well
so why are they getting all the goodness in life
while I take this alone, not fair at all ):

by the way my parents are being very nice to me
my mom has been buying me loads of bread because she knows I like bread
and it's the only form of carbohydrate I will eat because it is so awesome
but I hate the fact that I'm eating bread (even though I love it)
and I don't have the heart to tell her that I don't want her to buy bread for me
she's gonna think I'm some ungrateful kids with body issues
and then she'll tell the entire world and argjargj arg aeg
I'm trying to come up with reasons to have her stop buying bread like
"meh this is too sweet" or "this bread has no walnuts, why is it called walnut bread" or "I can't eat this the butter tastes super weird" or "okay this smells weird" or "let her eat it if she wants" or "ya this is really good you want some!" and then immediately after "okay overdose I feel sick"
but it's really hard to be convincing when you're me and love bread so much
that every time you look at that carb-filled food your eyes literally glisten with joy
yes I like bread so much I actually laugh like an idiot eating it

God please make me like zero-calorie foods and hate anything bad for me
or alternatively, let whatever I eat translate into HEIGHT and not fats.
yes, that would be ideal tyvm.

love this song.

2011-04-30T20:04:00.002+08:00

2011-04-30T00:07:00.000+08:00

on another note,
I might be grateful for the opportunity to study theatre in SOTA,
but if I ever make it to wherever I want to be, don't expect me to mention any of my institutions once.
because as much as education has taught me, that's all they did for me, while they gave every bloody person scholarship opportunities and auditions and interviews and stuff.
I've been fighting for opportunities since I entered this school, and at the end of the day, I fought for every single credit I got alone. No help, no support, no faith.
I FOUGHT MY WAY THROUGH.

ugh.

2011-04-29T23:59:00.001+08:00

I want my family to be overseas without me during the entire mid-year vacation.

Not because I hate them, but because I really need to get my life back on track

and believe it or not, they're getting in my way.

Everything I do, my family assumes it's a cry for attention and they're putting me down.

I don't eat something, and they think that I want the entire fricking world to know that I think I'm fat and they fricking broadcast it. Like dude seriously, I never once said anything along those lines, I just don't want to eat shitty food. And then everyone who comes to me is so obliged to say "no you're not fat blah blah blah" dude seriously I didn't ask for your opinion so why don't you just leave me alone huh

and I feel so obliged to do stuff with my family (not that I don't want to) but because they're there I have to make the most of it before they slip away and then it's my fault, like 'oh well we were always around but you didn't wanna hang with us so we don't love you anymore' kind of thing. I'd rather they just stay in another country without me, so I can say 'oh well you were always away so it's too bad that you don't love me' that kind of thing.

And they give me the most shit for every little thing I do, and I get so annoyed, then I binge eat, then they tell me that I'm getting fatter (and note that in the previous point they were giving me shit regardless of my size anyway) and I get annoyed and binge eat even more and it's one huge ass cycle.

Yeah I suppose I could choose not to binge eat, then they fricking tell everybody that I have body issues (see previous point) like I seriously can't win, so I just need them out of my life-- not permanently, but for at least one month so that I can do what I want and not have them limit me.

And it's not like I'm taking drugs or harming myself or anything.

I'm gonna be using this time to study and get myself back in shape and possibly build up on my esteem and willpower (both, which, by the way, they destroyed a long while back) and maybe try to be grateful for their presence so when they get back times just might be happier.

On a separate note, I'm one pathetic little kid. I think I'm this natural people repeller, like no matter how I look, or how I behave, or how I think, or how I anything (and I have undergone quite drastic changes) people simply kinda hate me, or they just don't like being near me or anything.

Which is extremely sad, because I'm a people-person, and the one thing that keeps me alive is human contact.

And I know this is extremely contradictory from the point about my family, but it's actually quite different. For one thing, friends are the people who are taking the same exams, going to the same classes, listening to the same songs etc. In a way everyone's going through the same thing, except that their lives are pretty amazing and mine is just... shit. And well, my family seriously can't relate to me the way my friends can. The other day my dad looked at my uniform and thought it was a new shirt, I'm just like wtf? and my mom still doesn't know my subject combination, dude this is just crazy.

Oh and uh, my family is never proud of me. The last time they put "Vick" and "proud of you" in the same sentence was in 2007 (yes I'm so pathetic I actually remember) and it was because I was accepted into SOTA (which, ironically is the reason why they haven't felt any sense of pride for being related to me ever since). Yes. And maybe when they're away I could do something with myself to make them proud (hurhur bite me, but hey I have the right to delude myself) and even if they don't, at least I will feel proud of myself for getting my life back on track.

Really, I can't have stupid distractions from the family like them gossipping about me or insulting me directly or just blatantly not supporting me in everything I do. I know what I'm doing, I'm NOT harming myself in any way, I HAVE calculated the pros and cons, and if they don't trust me, the least they can do is to go on a wonderful holiday for a month and leave me alone.

You know how celebrities have the paparazzi out to destroy them every single second?

Well at least they have friends and family to back them up.

For me, my family is my effin' paparazzi and my friends-- well, haha, I don't know any.

And I'm not being melodramatic with the "I don't have any friends people hate me" kind of hollow remark. Step into my shoes and you'll really see: I don't have friends, and people HATE me.

2011-04-16T19:43:00.002+08:00

I really don't know what to do now.

I'm too emotionally distraught to do my homework
and too guilty to do anything else.

I can't focus on my work so what's the point of doing it
but what's the point of going out if I have nothing to buy
and my feet has blisters so I can't exercise.

But if I don't exercise I won't lose weight,
even if I do exercise I won't lose weight but at least I won't hate myself for eating.
If I do my work I will feel guilty for not exercising
and work makes me hungry so I'll eat more
and since I'm already so emotionally affected I just might binge eat
I think that's what I've been doing today

but I don't want to go out for nothing
the only reason why I will go out is for exercise
but I can't, so going out will be like a waste of time

argh I hate dilemmas like these.

2011-04-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

first time blogging from my phone.

Anyways imstuck in this stupid cycle which have to get out of
Everytime feel like I might have a shot at getting somewhere in life something comes along and screws it up
I can honestly say I'd rather live someone else's life right now.
The saddest thing is I never thought something like this will ever happen to me but I suppose it was only a matter of time
I feel like a substitute.
People don't stick with me because they want to, it's because they would rather do it than something else, or be alone, or whatever.
And I get no respect everywhere I go
And whatever I do, no matter how hard try I'm destined to fail
Or ill never get recognition.
I feel like I'm surrounded by people who either don't care about me
Or want to see me fail
Because it makes them feel good or whatever, I have no idea.

Something good happens and everyone wants to tear me down
And I would be fine with it except for the fact that it only happens to me.
Everyone gets encouragement or compliments and I get insulted or attacked or put down and it isn't fair
I know life isn't fair, but I feel like I'm always on the unfair end of the deal and it's really something I feel I don't deserve.
Anyone reading this is gonna say I"m a weakling or something along those lines
But I'm definitely a lot stronger than you think.
If you were in my shoes you won't last this long.
It's like I am hit by some muscle degenerating disease and it's a long painful process that nobody will notice until it's too late

I think I'll graduate alone
And go to college alone
And get a job alone
And live alone
And die alone
Not only physically alone
But in the sense that no one is going to support me
Hah, if I manage to graduate in the first place.

I definitely am not self centered.
I do stick with people when their goings get tough
And they're fine now
And therefore I'm of no more use for them
And they chuck me aside
And now my going is getting tough
And I'm gonna have to do this alone.

What's the point of dying if I go to heaven alone
And go through eternity alone.
I'm just stuck in this world with everything against me.

screw this shit

2011-03-27T01:52:00.000+08:00

I hate homework and I have to stop putting negative things on tumblr.
I think what makes me different from others in terms of handling conflict is that I forget, but I never forgive, while others either forgive and forget or forgive but don't forget.
I realise that I have a lot of grudges inside me, and because I forget the incidents it doesn't bug me, but once I remember that it happened, I feel so much hatred well up inside me I literally feel like I'm being dragged down a pothole and I'm struggling for the life of me to stay above the ground.
Anyways that aside, I'm really too lazy to blog unless if it's a vlog, and I don't have enough privacy in this house to vlog without being labelled a lunatic.

I don't really know who I'm typing this to. Myself? Or an imaginary audience?

argh back to homework, I don't even have time to sleep anymore.

crossroad

2011-03-15T18:37:00.000+08:00

this is where I am now.

I'm just at this stage in my life
where I don't know.
And it's not the "should I study theatre or law" kind of stage
it's a "do I want to carry on or not" stage.
Right now, at this very moment, there are thoughts swimming in my head
like mad piranhas
but I'm not anxious or anything, I'm eerily calm
and I'm trying to decide between whether to die or not.

And this isn't meant to be attention seeking. If it was I'd tell the world to read my blog
or say it to people.
I'm just putting it here so if I die and someone happens to be here at least someone knows that it wasn't depression or stress or exhaustion or loneliness or pain that killed me.
It's a loss of purpose.
I want you to know that we can't live without purpose.

I've lived through almost everything, but this lack of purpose inside me, this apathy for life, I've never felt anything like it.
It's unexpectedly calming.
Quite a strange feeling, but it feels good at the same time.
I'm not worried about anything.
And I know I've lost purpose
because I go home, and I eat, and I don't feel bad
and I look at myself, and I know I'm hideous, but funny though it isn't depressing me
and I weigh myself and I'm too heavy for my height. or lack thereof.
But I'm not sad anymore, I've reached this state where I have no more feeling towards anything

and I see all the homework I have to do.
Usually I'm anxious, but right now I'm thinking, "no point in doing homework now, is there"
or no point in doing anything.
I've lost purpose.
Maybe it's because I'm tired, I haven't slept for more than 5 hours day the past month
so after a good sleep I might wake up and hate myself and maybe attempt to do something.
but right now, if I were to die right now, I don't think it's a bad idea.

It's not that I'm giving up
or that I'm sick of life, or it's too tough.
I just realise that I don't like life that much, and I won't be liking it for a long while
so no point carrying on, just cut to the chase.
There are reasons why I'm not killing myself, of course..
One thing is because I'm tired so I'm probably not thinking right
it's the first time I've been so welcome to the idea of dying, so something might not be right.
Another is that I don't really want to die alone, that's just pathetic.
and the third is all the money and time spent into education.
dying now is such a waste.
I'm not going to actively kill myself.
But if anything fatal happens, I'm not going to live either.
There's a myth that patients with more willpower live longer.
They fight for survival.
Well I'm not fighting now, I'm extremely passive. My comatose body won't be struggling that's for sure.

Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe.
I'm just gonna see how it goes.

bitch please.

2011-03-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

I really should start a vlog.
For one thing I can do my homework and rant at the same time
and typing everything I feel is the equivalent of writing a novel.
And all the thoughts in my head is too messy to be written anyways.
But argh, I don't have my own room,
therefore I suffer in silence.

Gonna not have a life now,
toodles.

meh.

2011-03-02T22:47:00.001+08:00

how long since I came here, I have no idea.

I don't think anyone I know reads this anymore, which is good.

I can say anything I want and no one I know will get offended.

Been feeling like shit for a while because my weight just keeps increasing

and I sure as hell am not pregnant

and I can't seem to run without getting blisters anymore so fml I need a gym

and a private gym so no one can laugh at me.

I don't know the situation with my schoolwork.

I don't think I'm doing too well, everyone seems to be doing fine except me

I think everyone thinks the same way?

no idea, but whatever it is, I wasn't prepared for the IB.

thing is I'm having fun in the IB

as stressful as it is to everyone

I think the IB is only stressful because our prioritization sucks.

Like I've got loads of work

but then I just do it and do it and forgo my social life

and I get sleep, and less work.

It's easy.

The past few weeks I've been sleeping less which I attribute to lazing and loads of time wasting

so if the IB gets tough there really isn't anyone to blame but me.

Of course when I have time I can always be revising something to improve,

but I'm in a very slacker phase now.

Maybe because I'm feeling like shit about my body so I spend hours moping about it

and not getting anything done

not even exercise because the sun hasn't set

and no work because after you come home from school the last thing you can do is work.

I'm quite lucky, despite being all alone in this course

I have friends who still approach me

they haven't given up on my antisocialism yet which I'm extremely grateful for

If there's one thing we need to get through this

it's friends to egg you on.

And I'm so envious of all the people I see who always seem to have people around them

and they're happy

and they get stressed but they manage to pull through

and are still happy.

Even though I haven't lost all my friends yet

I'm feeling more alone than ever

mostly because of my perspective and working strategy

but also because I know it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart.

no one should be stressed about the IB now;

it's only the beginning and it only gets harder from here.

I'm not saying I'm not stressed

I'm worried like anything

I'm worried for my future

everyone seems to have a better life than I do

I blame it primarily on how I look.

like really, tall skinny beautiful people have less problems than I do let's face it yeah

but that aside.

I'm not getting any support for wanting to achieve my ideal body

I get shot down easily

I work hard and others still do better even though they leave things to the last minute

it just destroys my morale day by day

I'm just too proud to hurt myself

and I sure as hell don't want to die now

so the only way out is through, which is what I'm gonna do.

I don't want to just pull through,

I want to shoot through this tunnel like a rocket

and out to stardom.

Success, more like.

I don't know what I want to be anymore, SOTA has a way of making you doubt yourself

and making you feel like you're worth nothing.

Hell it seems like the whole cohort got to audition for Rambert except me

and that pisses me off,

what gives the school the right to give others an edge?

and really if they had so much pride in us

why do they only choose the same people for everything?

I don't remember the last time I was given a leadership opportunity

or anyone else for that matter

and yes I know one needs initiative.

but if one needs initiative, why are others GIVEN the jobs not INITIATING them?

This school is just one messed up conspiracy

I can't wait to get out of here and do whatever I want

that might kill me

but right now everything seems better than being in a school that,

despite encouraging being who you are,

JUDGES you for the very same reason.

this school will not define how well I do

this school will not define how good I am

this school will not definte WHO I am

and this school, for sure,

this sickening place of a school will not define how much I'm worth in this world.

Sure I've enjoyed this place,

but once I'm out of here, I'm out of here,

there's no looking back

and I'm gonna be so phenomenal on my own

they're gonna wish they actually valued me more while I studied in this place.

Back to reality now.

I height you.

2011-01-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

sometimes I wish I could turn this into a video log but I think if my mom heard me speaking to myself she's think I was madder than she already thinks I am.

I think the because problem in my life is my height.

Despite the IB and social politics and everything, I think the biggest problem lies with my height.

My height affects me so much that I realise I have never once felt on top of the world

and I always feel lost and unacknowledged because I'm shadowed by tall people.

and it feels like crap, because being so close to the ground, I get the feeling that something is dragging me to the centre of the Earth, something that isn't gravity, and it's really crazy because I'm trying trying trying to be straight and be tall and feel like I deserve a space in the world.

I get nightmares because of my height, I feel that I'm so short that even if I were to disappear off the face of this world no one would realise because even now they can't see me anyway.

I don't even know if this really is the case.

and there's so much stress in being short.

I worry about the load of my bag, I wonder if my growth is stunted because of the load I carry

I worry about my future, because given my meagre mattributes I don't see how I can survive in the real world without any height

and really, with all the tall people in the world, who's gonna cast a short dwarf as a lead anyway if they have someone taller and definitely skinnier and prettier to do the job

I worry about what I eat; maybe I'm not growing upwards because I'm eating the wrong food, or eating too much, or not eating enough, and what really is enough anyway

I worry about my width, because being so short, you always look like a stump unless you're dead ass skinny

I worry about how people view me

you can't take a dwarf seriously no one can

no one takes me seriously and in school it's fine but what if I start working (if I get work) and no one is listening to what I'm really saying?

Respect as well. it's so hard to earn respect from people who look down at you.

at least it's not on me, not yet. but it's so much easier to give the "wtv" face to someone short.

screw being skinny, screw looking gorgeous, screw being a genius.

when I'm tall, I'm invincible.

2011-01-30T23:38:00.001+08:00

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

WHY

2011-01-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

This is a whole bunch of WHYs.

Dear invisible force,
WHY am I shaped like a pear?
WHY is my home internet so funky?
WHY can't I seem to concentrate on History right now?
WHY do I always get headaches on Wednesday afternoons?
WHY is it so hard for me to find something healthy but nice to eat at home?
WHY are my friends treating me this way?
WHY am I so bothered by it when I said I was expecting it?
WHY do I want to sleep?
WHY can't I sleep?
WHY am I always in the middle with no outcome?
WHY can't I log into Edulearn?
WHY can't I get a decent RQ?
WHY am I too lazy to jog?
WHY am I asking you that when I already know the answer?
WHY is my battery always running out?
WHY don't we have more time in a day?
WHY don't we have less work if we have more time?
WHY am I asking you this when I know it's all about prioritizing?
WHY can't I be pretty?
WHY can't I be skinny?
WHY do I still stay in this stupid circle of events when I don't want to?
WHY do I care if she's bloody sensitive when I don't care if other people are?
WHY can't I follow my awesome advice?
WHY am I not a milionaire?
WHY are no cornflakes 0.1g fat and 1g carbs?
WHY did you cheat me on cornflakes?
WHY can't my mom just live healthy and screw all junk food?
WHY can't I find a nice pretty dress for me?
WHY do I have such ugly knees and elbows even though I moisturize?
WHY do I have to study math?
WHY can't I have more willpower?
WHY am I not as smart as everyone else?
WHY am I not as tall as everyone else?
WHY can't the cafeteria sell good healthy food?
WHY must the world deep-fry?
WHY can't Artsaurus get some healthy snacks in?
WHY didn't I learn dance when I had the chance?
WHY did I start sucking in mother tongue?
WHY must we learn stupid physics?
WHY must I have a weirdly shaped face that makes me look ugly in all hairstyles?
WHY must I have such a huge pigeon chest that makes me look weird in all clothing?
WHY must I have bigger thighs than hips?
WHY am I shaped like a pear?

oh lord oh lard.

2011-01-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

hmmm. choices choices choices.

~~I hate myself right now because I'm made up for chunks of lard attached to bones that are so brittle they can't carry my lardy weight and my schoolbag.~~
~~I can't sit down without feeling like cutting myself.~~
~~not the mutilation kind, but the surgical kind, liposuction and such.~~
~~I don't see how anyone can love such a thing like me.~~
~~Or maybe they do because I make everyone else look good.~~
~~FML.~~
~~I'm throwing opportunities away whether I can help it or not,~~
~~and even those that I can help, I'm doing nothing about it.~~
~~You're such a stupid girl, Vic.~~
~~I'm so disappointed.~~
~~Fat people like you are too heavy for heaven.~~
~~See you in hell.~~

greatttt.

2011-01-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

i survived the first week of school fyeah!!! :D

Sometimes you wonder why some people are so bloody famous for no reason.
Or even worse, for the very same reasons.
Fashion bloggers, how the hell did they get so famous?!
And the Singapore bloggers as well, how did they get so famous?
By blogging about their lives?
Well what makes their lives so bloody amazing compared to us, how did they manage to escape our boring system and have so much fun, or maybe they manage to play so well within boundaries that it makes their blogs so much more interesting than yours. Or their lives more enjoyable?
It's kinda weird isn't it, how people manage to get famous for nothing, because a bunch of humans are willing to spend a few minutes of their day reading about what he or she did that day and commenting on it, whether they even know the blogger or not.
If you really think about it, there isn't much to their blogs. The only reason why their lives are so amazing is because they have so many opportunities which, without their audience, would not be possible.
We empower these bloggers. Let's say if everyone stopped reading Xiaxue's blog for a month.
Literally.
She has ZERO views for a month.
How great is she now? She definitely would not be considered a famous blogger, she'd just be forgotten.

In case you're assuming so, I don't hate Xiaxue, and I don't read her blog regularly either.
I think it's extremely amazing that she manages to get so many views, and a few minutes ago when I read her blog to figure out why, well, I have no idea.
Her first post wasn't something huge like "WOOHOO just got signed on by Hollywood!" or anything like that, it was about her A'levels. Very ordinary. It was in 2003.
By 2004 she was getting hate mail. WTF?
And as the years go by her posts decrease and the viewership increases and she starts getting paid because others read her blog. Others are willing to read about a text message exchange between her and her friend, or her friend ditching her, or how her little birthday went.
Of course her posts are extremely entertaining now,
but how did she get her viewers?
Because she writes about her life the way thousands write about theirs?

it's so weird how the world spins around certain people.
it's like the CHI in all the universe swirling around that lucky person.
You know how sometimes you have NO text messages and then all of a sudden you get like 15 messages for different reasons, and it's a very ordinary day not your birthday or CNY or sth?
That's like CHI flowing around you.
And for these lucky people, they have LOADS of CHI.
Because they definitely didn't work hard to get where they are. They just... did.
ARGH CHI please flow around me, not for my blog of course that's so unimportant compared to other aspects of my life. Flow around my BANK ACCOUNT tyvm (:

Anyways I survived the first week of school so yay me
God please give me strength to survive the year!

fmd

2011-01-06T21:44:00.000+08:00

is it possible not to hate myself?

I knew this was gonna happen.
When school starts my life just starts being a shithole because of my diet.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET, WTF.
BECAUSE OF MY DIET.
How can I keep living like this?!?!?!?!?!?!
I don't know why can't I just take care of myself.
and this is depressing.
the last thing I need for the IB is to worry about my own health.
My complexion is already being a bitch, I don't need my appetite to be one as well.

argh fat pig ain't got no food

2011-01-04T19:08:00.001+08:00

THERE IS NOTHING WORTH EATING IN THE HOUSE.
MY HOUSE IS SO FULL OF CHOCOLATES AND JUNK FOOD AND I FEEL DISGUSTED JUST BY STEPPING INTO THE HOUSE.

YOU WOULD THINK MY MOM ACTUALLY HAD THE DECENCY TO GET SOME FRUITS INTO THIS DWELLING.

Was thinking of just eating a little then jogging then coming back for dinner,
then my mom tells me there's no dinner so I only have that little bit of food to eat.
Which I shouldn't be complaining about since I didn't even use energy today so I don't even need to eat, but argh no idea why I'm such a pig now.
I was thinking of sprinting all the way to Pasir Ris Interchange to buy Mr. Bean soy milk then walk back home and drink it at the same time.
ARGHHHH I NEED TO CONSUME SOMETHING I FEEL LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER!

Anyways first day of school today, I hope I can get through the rest with as little hiccups possible.
Hmmm. MY HAIR IS DISGUSTING, why is it so greasy even though I washed it last night?!?!?!

Holeybamoley my mom just walked in on me.

top 5

2011-01-01T01:00:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year to you (:

I pray mine will be just as happy if not better.

Dear God, when my parents were baptised, why did you decrease their cool factor?

thishasgottobetheworsttransitionI'vehadfromoneyeartoanotherinmymemory.Imeanthewholewaitingformidnightwasfun,butoncemidnightstruc
kanditbecamethenewyea
Ihadthissuddenwaveofshock,like"shit.therearesomaynythingsIwantedtodoby2010butdidn'tdo.andtheyweren'tbigthingslikesavetheearthorsomething,itwasth
edelittlethin
gslike"recyclethisbagofmagazines"or"goforajog"or"finishmorephysicshomework"youknowthelittlestuff.andofcourseIcanalwaysddothemnexty
ear,butwhatreallyirkedmeisthatIcoudld'vedone'emlastyear.mylastmealwaspotatochips.Ihfeelextremelydisgustedbyit
.Iobviouslycan'twaittoliveonmyownsothiswon'thappentome.
Ijustfeelveryshittynow.happynewyear,I'mabouttokillmyself.

race to die

2010-12-30T03:33:00.000+08:00

ME: the FILM DIRECTOR CAKE?

Kirti: yes

Me: AWESOME. I want a cool cake like that. make me a cake of the esplanade. tell hilary xD make it low fat as well. and uh, healthy (:

Kirts: haha suree. suuuure.

Me: you know you want to ;D I'll make you a cake in the shape of or aang's big head ;D

Kirts: haha nop, I want a zuko cake or, erm, a disney anything disneyyy

Me: well one side of his face will be... jam. hannah montana cake it is.

Kirts: HAHAHAHA. NO WAY NOT HER. not on my cake. erm how about tangled. I haven't even seen it, but I know i will love it. okay just stick to zuko. i want the jam on the cake now.

Me: I had jam with yogurt the other day. for fun. and yes I do love weird food, but this bordered on DIABETIC.

Kirts: your idea of fun is amazing.

hahaha been a long time since I last spoke to Kirts.

She's coming back soon and joining me in ~~prison x.x~~ school :D

I missed the opportunity to run today.

DAMMIT.

I mean the weather sucked, but hell I had time to run. AND I DIDN'T.

At least I've been walking places during the holidays so I'm not THAT BAD.

but still, feel like cellulite now. it's way past feeling like shit.

then I remembered that I had a few blisters on my heels so that means I couldn't run anyways.

Then I felt terrible because my blisters take long to heal and that means I can't run for a few weeks.

FML

still apprehensive towards school

but it's only one way, and I'm on steroids, so go me.

2010-12-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

I have loads of fat on my body. At the wrong places.
I mean honestly I'm the only teenager I know who has fat all over her body but at her boobs.
Lord if you want me to suffer with cellulite, please grant me some cleavage.
Or take away all the fat on my body.
And I don't get how I'm supposed to feel better about what others say.
"You're not that fat" --> this means I'm fat, just not that. Same thing.
"You're not that ugly" --> this means I'm ugly, just not that, Same thing.
how is this supposed to make me feel better?
and anyways saying "you're not fat" or "you're not ugly" is just lying to my face?
and have I told you how much I resent liars, even if their white or pretty and little?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH MY MACBOOK IT KEEPS SHUTTING DOWN OR BLANKING OUT AT RANDOM INTERVALS, IT HAS HAPPENED 4 TIMES SINCE 1 DECEMBER AND I AM ROYALLY PISSED BECAUSE I'VE ONLY HAD THIS MACBOOK SINCE SEPTEMBER?! WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS STUPID THING.

I don't have body issues, I don't have mental issues,
I know what I look like. I do NOT look stunning.
Stalk me on facebook and risk puking.
I want her back I want her back I want her back
^ I know this doesn't sound right but there are different ways to read the above statement.
(like, I want her purse)

ARGH I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE ON MY OWN.
my house will be so awesome.

~~omgIatesomuchtodayIwannadieIknewIwasgonnaregretandmymomwastryingtostopmesoIonlyhavemyselftoblamegonnaweighmyselftomorrowandmeetmydoomandthenexerciseexericiseexercise~~

Camus here I come.

damned macbok.

2010-12-23T02:40:00.015+08:00

there's a fine line between BRAVERY and BAD DRESSING.

NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE HUGS. I LOVE HUGS AS MUCH AS I AGNES LOVES UNICORNS. I LOVE HUGS AS MUCH AS I LOVE GREEN TEA AND LOW FAT YOGURT AND SOY BEAN AND I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF HUGS :D :D :D

argh I'm blogging halfway and my stupid macbook jams up all of a sudden and I have to restart.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY MACBOOK!!!
the last time it happened was about a week ago right after I saved my presentation (thank God I did)
so this post is actually a replacement for my long post about something I wanted to rant about.
fughganrflalrfanlva
so much for AUTOSAVE, BLOGGER. DAMN YOU.

FML of the Day::

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

I think GMH is responsible for my crash because I was reading it halfway when my stupid system shut down. and I just went to the page and my safari jammed for a bit.
I swear if I could I'd hack this thing to pieces.

hoodehaas

2010-12-21T03:16:00.000+08:00

I feel like shit right now because it took me a half-hour cab ride home to convince myself not to eat anything and just take a bath and go straight to sleep.
So everything's fine until I enter my room and my sister groans at me for turning on the lights.
And she tells me to be back in half an hour because she'll be asleep by then.
WTF I GO STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE KITCHEN AND RAID THE DAMN FRIDGE.
I'm too ashamed to even list down what I ate.
I probably ate like half my total calorie consumption in this sitting alone.
I know I shouldn't even be ranting about it because we need about 2000 calories a day on the average and I'm pretty sure I didn't hit the 1000-calorie mark today.
But hell who eats at 1am when they are supposed to be losing weight
and I've only been awake for about 12 hours (it's almost 3 on my clock now) so I shouldn't even be eating a day's worth of calories.
And the thing is I know I could have gone without the food I ate.
Just sleep it off I'll be fine.
BUTNOIHADTOFRICKINEATANDNOWIHAVETOSUFFER.
At this rate I can totally forget about enjoying myself during Christmas
because I really don't have time for proper cardio and I don't dare do sit ups without cardio.
ARGHFML
oh and I'm not getting the bicycle pedal anymore, it's just gonna enlarge my already huge and bulging thigh muscles.

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE BY BRUNO MARS ANNOYS ME BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE CRAP WITHOUT THE MUSIC.

oh oh oh
all my books have arrived and I'm so so so happy :D
I was so afraid of damaging any part of the book (except the spine, because I think having creases at the spine gives me more ownership of the book :)) that I used the envelopes the books arrived in to make a book jacket.

hoohoo I am so friggin' proud of myself for actually doing it. Took me half an hour, yeah yeah I know it's a long time but whatever I enjoyed every second of it. Some of you will think it's a total ripoff from the laptop case-- well, it was, I told myself if I ever made a book jacket the first design HAS to be a butler's uniform. This is more of a prom date but argh whatevs I love it and it's currently jacketing The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Great book btw.
Can't decide whether I should make my next design a hamburger, something cubist or a fusion of African and Aboriginal art.

holy crap I just scratched my arm because it was itchy and immediately 4 deep red lines appeared what is wrong with my body omg
I should start following new people on tumblr/twitter.

shooting?

2010-12-19T14:58:00.000+08:00

THIS. IS. A CAKE. ZOMG.

so I'm getting closer to them as a team which is good (:
Unlike T:C I don't have the "I wouldn't trade the world for them" mindset at all though xD
I don't mind not working with them after this but one thing's for sure,
this has got to be the best way to spend this week of the holiday for me.
I'm gonna have to choose between Crystle's party and 6.3 outing now.
It all comes down to hanging out with Erica or getting a tan.

on another note,
I don't know if my dad will think I'm crazy if I buy a gym pedal for my table.
It's approx SGD$75 and it'll be under my table if I get it.
~~and it's free shipping but that's not the point~~
I've been buying more than usual lately
like my >$80 awesomesauce monster case (which was actually a present but I chose it)
and the $35 fake leather bag which I am extremely proud of
and well, I'm sure there are others.
And this is quite pricey
of course this could come right out of my own pocket but it's still his house
and he might explode since I can "always use the gym".
But if I get it I can use it WHILE STUDYING
and IB isn't the most relaxing course in the world.
And my fat brother can use it ~~(he'll probably break it though)~~ as well
it's portable.
Hell I'll bring it up to my mom first, before CHRISTMAS :D

I think the tan can wait (:

time passing so slowly

2010-12-17T01:07:00.000+08:00

1. I don't know if it is lonely at the top. Does it really have to be?
2. My life would definitely be a lot more exciting with a bb.
3. The thing about lies is the longer you keep it the worse the consequences get.
4. I'm still trying to figure out why it's so hard to connect.
5. Sometimes I think they aren't worth it.
6. That close.
7. Got a secret can you keep it swear this one you'll save.
8. time passes so bloody slowly when you're tired. or bored. or alone.
9. Not exercising makes me feel like shit.
10. Of course I try to walk as much as I can. Not like it makes a difference.
11. I NEED A NEW MUSIC PLAYER, which takes me back to point 2.
12. Damned internet.
13. Damned bookdepository website, y u no load.
14. Honestly can't wait to live on my own.
15. Better lock it in your pocket taking this one to the grave.
16. I really can't do anything for a living. There isn't a single payable quality about me.
17. I feel better knowing that they oversold her, she actually isn't that great.
18. He is quite bad at acting, I think I have enough standards to deem it so.
19. I am so annoyed because I can't find my quilt.
20. I just realised that I read .org as .orG in my head. So if I were to say it out loud, it'd be ORGY.
21. Would you rather eat free unhealthy food or spend money on healthy food for 8 days?
22. I really have to reset my body clock, will watch shows to prolong my waking hours.
23. Openness decreased. Neuroticism increased.
24. Despite the setbacks I still think that I am a fun person to be with.
25. It's hard to accept yourself when few accept you. Or maybe you should accept yourself first.
26. I really want to sleep now but I can't /:
27. I still feel bad for pouring sand into his mouth even though it was an accident, and his fault.
28. Emmy Rossum, noice.
29. I don't need more acquaintances, I need good friends.
30. My brother's first phone is cooler than all my 5 phones combined.WTH is this logic.
31. I know who deserves the His Royal Douchebag of the year award.
32. WTF I'm still pissed off about my quilt.
33. On a good day, I think school is fine as long as your friends are there.
34. On a bad day it's like screw having friends if you have to go to school to see them.
35. Screw staying up I'm gonna sleep.

comparisons

2010-12-13T02:15:00.000+08:00

there's a light of each end of this tunnel you shout
'cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

I suddenly remembered one of my great friends again yesterday.
It's so hilarious how events unfolded from May to August, from not even knowing his name to knowing one of his largest secrets.
and I think not working with him after such intense rehearsals and performances must have been one of the hardest things I've had to go through so far, because he really was fun to horse around with.

He always comes into my mind when I think of how I want my life to be, because I want his life.
I would state his name but that might be quite revealing.
I'm always comparing myself to him because I think he's incredible.
Started off in athletics, made it onto the ASEAN team, can play a few instruments, sang in a professional choir, hosted for a local radio station, and other small cool details like he can recite the pledge in tamil, he can play the hardest drum rhythm, he imitates people well.
And he's smooth. Character wise.
Just like my dad, he knows how to work with people.
Sounds like a lot on his plate, but he barely seems stressed and always smiles.
He's 20.

Basically his life seems perfect (well from what I've stated, his life seems absolutely marvelous)
and I feel so envious of him and I think his life is great and I really really want to lead it.
In my state of jealousy of course I say something like "there definitely is something God didn't let him have"
and then I remembered,
his mom passed away when he was a kid.

A mother has got to be the greatest gift a child could ever have,
and he had to grow up without one.
karma-wise, all his achievements are like compensation for the loss of his mother.
He made it onto the ASEAN team, and his mom wasn't there to see it.
He can play a few instruments, and his mom wasn't there to hear it.
He sang in a professional choir, and his mom couldn't attend.
He hosted for a local radio station, and his mom wasn't there to listen every Saturday morning.

and this got me thinking,
sure I'd love to do everything he can do, but how much of it is worth not having my mom around?
what if tomorrow my mom disappeared and over the next few years I got everything he had?
How can I live with all my achievements knowing that I gave my mom up for them?

and this totally destroys me
because I value being worth something to myself as much as having my mom around.
what if I end up being a good for nothing, with nothing to show my mom?
what if my mom is never proud of what I do?
Would I still choose my mom over my friend's life?

The devil tells me she's just one person.
With all the things I can do without her, so what if she isn't there, think of how many people I can influence and inspire.
Think of how invincible I can be with that amount of talent.
The thing is my friend is brilliant, he just doesn't know it, and if he did and really pushed himself, he would be phenomenal.
I know if I had what he has I would definitely use it so much better.
All the fame and fortune, for one simple exchange: my mother.
She's just one person but I'd never trade her for the world.

Did I just type that?

There are only a few people in my life
(and I really mean a few)
whom I would NEVER EVER trade for the world.
And I never knew my mom was one of them.
I'm always thinking of friends, and I forgot one of the most important figures in my life.
Without her, I'm nothing.
Without her, I'm NOTHING.
WITHOUT HER, I'M NOTHING.

Every single day I pray that one day she will be proud of me.
It's so scary how much she affects me without even trying.

after a while

2010-12-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

I will be truly happy if I could stay here.
Hope the toilets are great (:

what a whirlwind of a week,
I've been so busy having fun or just being busy that I'm sleep deprived.
which leads to fugly hair, fugly complexion and fugly body.
but my has been great despite my fugly appearance.
and that barely happens.

and I'm going to church tomorrow because I want to thank Him for a lot of things.
there are so many things I complain about, but underneath all that there are so many things to be grateful about.

Trying to revamp my table as much as possible.

it's one of my ways of spring cleaning my life.
I've finally had enough of being who I am and living like me.
I don't hate myself or anything, I'm just bored with me.
so I've made huge changes that still takes getting used to and changed minute details that nobody notices but makes me feel different anyhoo
and these changes are not reckless, they have been carefully considered and weighed.
Is it worth the risk? How long before I regret? Am I really sure? Is there another way? etc.
and from this I'm just rediscovering myself.
I definitely feel extremely awkward with the difference despite trying to make it as gradual as possible
but I am confident that the decisions I make are going to do me well.

you won't find me a stranger if you haven't seen me in a while
I'm pretty sure of that (:

this vacation has been absolutely fabulous.
possible the best of my high school years.
4, 1, 2, 3 in that order.
I hope it keeps getting better.
still apprehensive towards IB, but fingers crossed!

love love love you guys <33

today.

2010-12-08T01:57:00.000+08:00

today has got to be one of the most productive days of my year end vacation 2010.
got 42% of the week's to-do list done.
all in a day :D

I think today would have been twice as wonderful if I had enough time to get a good workout.
I put on weight again, it's now a whole pound from my previous measurement which was on Thursday.
I'm so freaking terrible to only be exercising once a week and really so much for Project 40.
My weight fluctuates and it scares me. Maybe because I weigh myself at different times of the day, and it only varies by a few hundred grams
but if I don't treat it seriously then well I might as well stay ugly for the rest of my life.

Erica was so nice to me today :)
today was my bad hair day and bad complexion day and fugly day
it only became my fat day after dinner
but the first thing she said to me was that I looked so pretty :D
awwwhhh Erica I love you!!!!
no really and I'm gonna miss you when you leave ):

I really need more sleep. I eat less that way.

tomorrow, let's hope I enjoy tomorrow.
wish they holidayed longer!

hmmmms

2010-12-06T23:23:00.000+08:00

I wonder if it'll seem terrible of me if I watched a show from my macbook on the bus home tomorrow.
I think it will /:
Maybe if no one's on the bus I'll try it out :D
gonna take my macbook out for the first time in ages for theatre research tomorrow.
I hope this is worth it in more ways than one.
and my monster case is coming!!!!
so I'm quite excited. just praying like mad that I don't drop the case or I might die of shock.

I THINK I WILL COMMIT A MASSACRE IF
MY MOM DOESN'T GET ME EDIBLE
FOOD.
YES, EDIBLE FOOD.
SOME THINGS ARE INEDIBLE YET
PEOPLE CONSIDER THEM FOOD.
QUEER.
sometimes I wish my parents gave me an extra $50 a week to get my own food.
I'd use my money so well.

stupid psp memory card giving me problems
and I'm so pissed off because I can't find my camera charger
and I'm pretty sure I brought it back from London, because I keep a frigging checklist of
EVERYTHING.
can't wait to get a new phone because the current one is shit.
TECHNOLOGY HATES ME D;

loads of things to say and share but meh, I value sleep more.

xxxx

and nobody knows

2010-12-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

Sun been down for days

A pretty flower in a vase

A slipper by the fireplace

A cello lying in its case

please make me skinny

2010-12-01T20:55:00.000+08:00

gonna make this quick because I really want to sleep
I didn't know I was so drained until my mom told me that I am not allowed to exercise and
I HAVE TO SLEEP.
(not that I've been drained due to exercise. psht I wish)

can't sleep yet though,
I have a whole list of to-dos for today and actually the entire week
and it's already wednesday.
gulp.

if I don't get anything done this week then next week has to be Social STD week again, with visits from people of course (:
[a very wonderful asshole of a friend will experience tremendous schadenfreude when he finds out]

today I finally realised why I don't feel like bathing sometimes.
think about it:
if you had to touch a body like mine every day you'd rather die.
I'm pretty brave in this context.

if you don't want to live anymore but you know death is not worth it,
SLEEP.

God please help me through this.
xxxx

growing up?

2010-12-01T00:35:00.000+08:00

I think I'm changing.
And it's kinda scaring me, because I'm changing into someone I was pretty sure I would never be.
I've always told others "well if you don't want to then don't, what's so hard about it?"
so I'm applying my own words of wisdom to myself
and see where it takes me.
Wish me luck /:

On another issue,
I don't get how people can live with cellulite really.
I looked at my legs today
(not INSPECTED, I LOOKED. Like literally took a look)
and got such a shock from all the cellulite.
So awful.
And every time I sit down I wish I could cut my belly out.
Like if it was scientifically possible to use a chopper and just slice the damn thing off I would.

This weather is really unpredictable for activity.
Every time I plan to run it frigging rains
and I don't have a gym nearby.
I truly believe that a private gym will make me look so much better
a lot of people say "nawh you just end up taking it for granted"
but really I'll use it as much as I can.
I do that to all the things I NEED.

The past few days living alone has been so fantastic.
Parents were in Kota Kinabalu,
I succeeded in getting my brother to bunk with my cousins
and my sister had to work consecutive long shifts.
Having the house to myself was so fun :D
I was out most of the time of course
but I didn't have to eat anything I didn't want to,
or take turns to use the bathroom
or anything really.
I was a free bitch babaye!
I don't know why people who live alone complain. Really I don't.
Yes if you count in the rent and all that blah blah blah it might start to suck a little
but I think the rent is really a worthy exchange for A PLACE TO STAY and FREEDOM, no?

This past 4 days (Sat to Tues) has been such a whirlwind experience for me
Lord I can't wait for it to happen again :D
not when the school term starts though, I need someone to take me to prison.

xxx

MLIA of the Day::
Today I failed my roadtest for the third time. Seeing me bummed out, the instructor put his hand on my shoulder and said "Don't worry son even Spongebob hasn't past his roadtest yet." Best. Failure. Ever. MLIA

just tryna figure out.

2010-11-28T02:13:00.000+08:00

just tryna figure out where I am
just tryna figure out what I want
just tryna figure out who to believe
just tryna figure out when I'll grow
just tryna figure out how I'll look like
just tryna figure out where I'm going
just tryna figure out where I'll be
just tryna figure out who I'm gonna be
just tryna figure out if I'll look back on this and feel great
just tryna figure out.
yep, teenhood is brilliant.

Friday has got to be one of the strangest days of 2010.
In a very good way (:

I was already in a bad mood in the morning because my mom decided not to drive me to *Scape and I had to wait for the dang bus and I was 45 minutes late. For the first meeting, which certainly doesn't give a good impression to anyone. I don't think it really affected anyone though. Maybe Rosie. It was extremely embarrassing for me but it got better somehow.
Between lunch and dinner it was insane. Sort of not really kinda quite.
Dinner was quite surprising. My godparents let me choose where to eat as usual and I ate so much that I was crazy. All the sugar I had for the day, felt like my ears were gonna bleed. But the food was ohsogood! This is the normal part. The strange part is my godparents took me to the Airport because my godpa wanted to play on the huge slide. And I thought he was joking until he told me that he planned to break his new record. Like WHAT?! I thought my dad was the most childish adult I'd ever met and turns out my godpa is just the same :D seems like every man's a boy inside (: and he made me slide as well. I was feeling so full I couldn't even walk properly but I still went on the slide and I was so afraid I was gonna hurl but in the end I was fine. And my godfather was faster than me on the slide. Hehheh. It's just so funny how you think you know enough but you really don't, and it really makes life so much more fun.

I'm extremely worried for the IB.
I fear a lot of things.
I think one of the things I've been gifted and yet cursed with is the ability to auto-reflect.
Every night I think of what happened during the day, what worked and what didn't, conversations, how many times I laughed, how many calories I consumed, have I done all my homework, blahblahblah
and all of these are done involuntarily. I don't actively reflect. My mind just makes me do it.
And after reflecting on the day, I put it in the grand scheme of things. Like how significant was today for the entire year so far, or for my life, or how does this fare on my charts, like when's the last time this worked or didn't, had this conversation, laughed this much, ate this much, blahblahblah
and it takes me to a whole new level of reflection.
Like have I REALLY enjoyed myself so far? Am I REALLY doing okay? Am I REALLY doing it right?
And this makes me worry the most because I can't deal with stagnancy. Sure I love routines but there must always be something special inside the routines. Like let's say I take the car to school everyday but it's different because there's always a different radio show going on. Or I'm having math in class but this time we get coloured paper instead of black and white. Because these small things are really what keep me going day by day. I also like LARGE special moments. Like one weekend my dad decides we should all have a pastry buffet and takes us to some coolish cafe.
And when I reflect on a whole new level, I keep thinking "how often have I been doing this? It's just the same things over and over" and then I realise that my life is extremely boring and school is boring and studying is boring, and after hearing this every night in my head I get so sick of my life I lose the will to study or wake up every morning or open my file or pencil case.
And the IB, it's going to be 2 years of slogging. And yes I've beens studying for 12 years sure I can take another 2 of my life away, but this is going to be different. It's full dedication and I don't even know what I'm getting out of it. The last time I studied so hard for a test I blanked out. What if I blank out after 2 years? If there's one thing I've really learnt from life is that you don't always reap the rewards. That's how the phrase "DIE TRYING" comes about. You don't win, no matter how much you fight. And worse, you don't fight anyone but yourself. And sometimes you don't even know who you're fighting for.
And sometimes I feel like I'm going through this alone.
Sure I do have family and relatives and friends but they aren't taking the IB.
Yeah my friends take the IB but they don't have the familial pressure I do. They don't have the personality I do. They definitely don't auto-reflect like I do. Auto-reflection doesn't even happen every night, it can happen more than once in a day. While peeing. While on the train. In the middle of responding to a text message.
I'm alone.

I know that I forgot that I have a lot more than a lot of people in the world.
What people forget is that there is a lot I don't have as well.
And you just have to ask yourself, is having this much really worth having this much?

thankshaving.

2010-11-26T00:44:00.000+08:00

93.475999
LIARS.

my complexion D;

Thanksgiving is here, time for me to be thankful, so no complaints today.
except the 2 above.
To avoid corny moments, I shall just list 5 things I'm extremely grateful for this year:

1. I'm promoted
(really, this was a close call for me)
2. I'm not overweight
(YET, but hey the longer it takes the better right :))
3. I'm not left out as much anymore
(note: AS MUCH)
4. I visited Europe.
(it was on my bucket list :D)
5. My parents have driven me to school every single day
(I really think I deserve it, but hey, not everyone gets this privilege)

YUP.

I actually feel quite weird now, because all of a sudden there's nothing RELEVANT on my to-do list for next week. I'm slightly nervous that I've missed out something. maybe I should just shift all my December to-doos to November and enjoy my last month eh (:
yep will doos.

oh my Christmas tree is up and it's beeyootiful :D
sad thing I lost my charger for my awesome camera.
no idea what I'm gonna do.
hope simlim has it.

ARGHHHHHHHNOMUSTBETHANKFULANDBENICE

xoxo

fatsums.

2010-11-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

Finally got ToK out of the way.

I FEEL SO FREAKIN' GOOD.

but I'm still behind schedule, so... meh.
This week is really Social STD week.
And I FEEL SO INACTIVE.
I can feel all my muscle breaking down and my body storing FAT.
D;
WHYYYYYYYY~~~~~

this is what I'm gonna turn into. without the happy ending.

omg mom chillax.
maniac.
I never want a domestic help.

omg not fair

2010-11-23T01:19:00.000+08:00

was just checking out random articles for fun and most articles, I notice, never answer the question or even help.
oh and do you guys notice that when kids stop eating it's because they really are full? So they leave loads of stuff on their plate because they don't want to eat anymore. but for us adults and teens we just keep eating until everything is finished. it's actually habitual. omg what happened to us right.
and I was thinking why the hell would I ever do that and then I remembered that when I was young I wouldn't finish my food once (I think) and then my dad told me that people in other countries don't even get food to eat and I really should be grateful. And he showed me this article on how this girl's family was so poor that all she ate was 2 spoonfuls of rice for dinner in order to save money for the family and I should be thankful that I don't have to go through that.
and my mom told me that when my dad was young his family was extremely poor that all they ate everyday was rice with soy sauce or rice with pepper. like WHAT. not dishes. and when my grandfather earned enough to buy fish to steam, my dad pretended not to like fish so his family could eat more. and that must have been the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life because my dad loves fish like crazy and I've never seen anyone clean a fish the way my dad does. probably to make up for all those days of no-fish-ness. now he lets me eat all the fish so I can grow or something like that. I know I should be nice and give him fish but I eat it anyway xD
I'm such an asshole.
and then I think another time I didn't wanna eat and my dad got so fed up he told me that I can't play or watch tv until I clean up my entire plate.
and another time, my mom told me the amount of food left on my plate is the amount of pimples my husband was going to get. then I told her I'm not getting married and she said "well in that case you'll get the pimples" and that seriously freaked me out. how old was I, 6?
and another time I think my dad ordered too much at a restaurant, and all of us really couldn't eat another bite, and my dad just ate everything up and I asked my mom why my dad is never full. she told me that my dad is extremely full, he's just forcing himself to eat everything so we don't waste the food and then she reminded me of the poor people who have nothing to eat and how I should be grateful.
and I was about to ignore her when she told me the story of my dad again. WTF. total guilt trip.
I swear seeing my dad eat everything by himself, I think everyone knows that if there's one thing I can't stand is seeing people eat alone, and seeing my dad eat everything really scared the shit out of me.
it's like force feeding. like pure torture. the way the Japanese would force water into people and then sit on them. just wrong.
so I think all the events just struck me and I finished all my food from then on. that's why when I eat with anyone you guys always see me finish my food, and when I know I can't I just don't eat at all. or I sell it. or trade it. or bring it back for my brother.
and I think it's really good habit to have, but what really sucks is that I used to take more than I can finish so I'd force myself to eat everything and that's how I got fat. and I think just a few years ago my mom just got so scared of her daughter being such a pig she told me that I didn't have to finish my food if I didn't want to, but I was just so scared of pimples and having my dad eat them or wasting or whatever that I still did it anyway.
When I go out with anyone and I don't eat it's probably because these kinds of memories really hit me at that moment and I'm so disgusted so I don't buy anything because it just freaks me out?
I'm still trying to break the habit.
like today my mom left loads of food for me to eat
and I really couldn't eat any more, so I called her and she told me to leave the food and she'll handle it
but I think she knew that I knew she was going to throw it away (she doesn't tell me she'll throw it away because she knows I'd rather force it down my throat) so after I hung up I forced myself to finish everything. it was an extremely horrible experience.
and a lot of people know I can't puke, I can't purge as well. what a curse.
so all the food just stays in me.
no the bright side the food she cooked was really healthy, like salmon and steamed tofu-egg and broccoli (of which the calories used to digest it is more than the calories itself) so I don't feel so bad.
in Bago I saw the kids being really hungry and quite stunted in their growth because they had insufficient food. this boy Christian (I don't know how to spell it but it sounds like it) was smaller than my 6 year old cousin. He was 12. and then I was sitting with a group of SOTA kids and NONE of them finished their food because "it was their habit" and I almost screamed at them.
oh did I mention I was the fattest person who went to Bago City. No kidding.
and I don't know how I'm EVER EVER EVER gonna drop the habit because I'm pretty much scarred.
and not eating just screws your metabolism. so yeah.
I'm screwed.

to-do-do

2010-11-22T14:10:00.005+08:00

1. ~~Reply E~~
2. ~~bookdepot~~
3. ~~ToK Essay (the subject that makes the stupid feel stupider~~)
4. ~~BB scoutin~~g
5. ~~Clean Macbook~~
6. MOVE WINDOWS OUT OF ROOM
7. Physics. FML
8. Math
9. THEATRE!!!!
10. Running in the Family by Michael Ondaatje
11. Shakespeare's Hamlet
12. ~~The Waiting Years by Fumiko Enchi~~

I am so behind schedule.
I think this week will be "Social STD" week. Meh.
ToK IS DUE IN A WEEK! D:

get yo' nerd on.

Okay Ms. No-Life has to start work now.
my body is twitching like mad I think it's hyperactivity from being so immobile today.
It's only 2pm D;

rantsology

2010-11-20T23:17:00.002+08:00

Ican'tbelieveit'saffectingmesomuchandIwonderwhen'sthelasttimeIfeellikethisdon'tmindmeI'mjustrantingbecauseIhavetogetthisoffmychestbutreallyIdidn'twantitsomuch
whenIfirsttrieditbutthenIrealisedIactuallyhadachanceandthenitdawnedonmethatthiswasmyshotandtheofficialstatisticswere80%andthenthenextthingIknowit'sloadsandloa
dsoftrialanderrorandI'mstillwaitingfraresultandmaybeit'soutIjustdon'tknowitbutreallyit'squitehardnottothinkofitbecauseIdon'tthinkanyonehasanyideahowmuchthismean
stonowanditfeelslikeIwasjustbeinghappyorhopefulfornothingImeanobviouslythey'dchoosethetallhotbodovershortfatuglymeandsomuchforseeingsomethinginmeifthepr
oducerscan'tbutheyontheflipsideatleastitwasareallygoodexperienceyouknowmeetingupwiththeothersandworkingwiththembutreallyI'dmuchpreferifIwasofficiallyselecte
dandmaybeshehasn'ttoldmeyetI'dbequitemadifshedidn'ttellmebutI'mhappyforheraswellImeansheneedsthemoneymorethanIdokindofbutIneedtheexperienceandopportuni
tymorethanshedoesshehashermomtosupportherforchrissakesbutI'mallonmyownandIneedmyparentstobeproudofsomethingwhichbringsmetotheclasspartyihavemanyreas
onswhyileftbutreallythemainreasonwhyileftisbecauseisureashellwasn'tenjoyingmyselfandnotbecauseofwhatIclaimedtotheothersbutbecauseafterseeingtisaitjustsnappedi
nmyheadthatI'vehadenoughofskinnypeoplearoundmeandIdefinitelyhavehadenoughofbeingthefattestoneinclasssincegodknowswhenlikemyentirelifehonestlymanwhen's
thelasttimeIwasskinnierthansomebodyelsefuckneverandI'mjustreallysickofitIswearthosepeopledon'tevenworkhalfasmuchasIdotogettothisstageandIthinktheonethingthat
reallystartledmewasthefactthattheysaidthatIhadn'tchangedabitandthattotallyscaredtheshitouttamebecauseI'vebeenworkinglikemadsince'08noonecandenythatIhopeIreally
hopeandIcan'tbelieveIwassostupidtobelievethatIactuallyhadslimmeddownoverthepastyearsImeanmymom'satotalliaralmosteveryoneisandmyheighthasn'tchangedbutIpu
tonabout3to5kgfromp6likelasttimeIwasabou39.5andnowhgodknowshowheavyIwayandit'sreallybotheringmeyesIknowsomepeoplearebornfatanduglybutI'msososososu
reIcanbeskinnyIjustneeedtobegiventhespaceandtimeandmoneytoachieveitandI'mnotreferringtosurgeryI'msoseriousintermsofhairofcourseIcanalwaysshaveitbutI'malways
soscaredy'knowlikewhathappenswhenitgrowsbackorsthomgokaymaybethatIcandealwiththeconstantupkeepbutmybodysizeandfuckmyabfyesmybestfriendabftoldmethat
atthebbqtheyweretalkingaboutmeandthatreallyfreaksmeoutImeanmaybeit'sagoodthingbutreallybesidesmyfuglycomplexionandquitemessedupbodyshapeandsizetheplau
siblereasonwhyIdidn'twanttogoforthegatheringisbecauseIreallyhavenothingtoshowtootherslikedlthasthewholehayImmabeapilotthinggoingonandtheotherswelljustskin
nyaseverandnicoisgoingtoaustraliaandabfandhisfrenchitalianwhateverandotherpeoplehavejobsandIhavenothingtoshowexceptthatIgainedlotsofweightandstilldon'thaveaj
oboramoviedealoramstillintheprocessofchasingmydreamsanddeepdownIhaveafeelingthatthey'resohappyI'mnotsucceedingandthey'retalkingtomssawaboutitImeanmssa
womgthatwomanreallybelievesinmeIthinkandIhopeandIcan'tevenmakeherproudofmeforasecondandbringingmybrotherwassuchabadideabecauseIhavetoentertainhiminst
eadofargagraejblajernaljustquitepissednowandsensitiveandvulnerableIthinkthat'swhatI'mfeelinghaven'tfeltthiswayinawhileandIthinkimmastartontokafterwatcingbbtto
makemefeelbetterxoxobye

fatt.

2010-11-17T17:16:00.000+08:00

s n v e p o r c v b j a f e p e f s f u l y f i n b z n s n t r d b n v r z q r v a l o r c b q f a c r e u d p y l r e u v n r c c f f z d t q r e u u f e c r x n t r a n f o z l s f u l r e u j q n e v j r b l f d e p v j f d y u e c b c f g n r c v e p r e u e f j v r z s n v e p g d e v b q n u e f s f u l y v x n b r o r c p v a y c q n l r y y j r e c b x v e e l g n f g y n v q r c n z l b n y o r e u n i n a l s f u l q r c n b z n r e u v j r e c c f u v n r e u b f z n c v z n b v j v b q z l g r a n e c b j n a n e c r a f d e u b f v t r e u f j q r c n i n a v c c r x n b c f b y v z z n u f j e v q r c n z l b n y o

HP7 today

2010-11-17T15:17:00.001+08:00

1. ToK

2. ~~Exercise~~/ diet/ ~~whatever~~

3. ~~Get my Macbook fixed.~~ ~~the damned shit~~

4. ~~Pack table~~

5. ~~Finish~~ ~~The Door~~ ~~by Angela Carter~~

6. Finish The Waiting Years by Enchi Fumiko

7. ~~Watch~~ ~~Brokeback Mountain/ V for Vendetta/ Inglourious Basterds~~

8. Get a new phone before I go on a killing rampage

I really should continue with ToK but I'm really really stuck

and really after getting your internet back during a year end vacation on a Monday, it's only normal to be having fun in cyberspace before being responsible.

hah. excuses.

I think I'm gonna wear glasses every time I do ToK, that'll probably give me some Clark Kent power for studying :D

Need to go on super detox.

Anyone wants to buy me a weighing machine?

MLIA of the Day::

Today I walked downstairs where my family had gathered. There were two plates of brownies. My aunt pointed to them, "Male or female?" I told her brownies had no gender. She sighed and said, "Oh, but they do. Do you like them with or without nuts?" MLIA

for you I will

2010-11-15T16:46:00.003+08:00

'cause I could fall asleep in those eyes like a waterbed

priorities!

2010-11-15T01:41:00.002+08:00

okay. I need to sort my priorities.
been youtubing and facebooking and tumblring and thinking about how bored I am...
until I remembered I haven't done my ToK essay.
schweisse
~~is that how you spell it.~~

anyways, I really have to get it done,
it's extremely tough to complete, I haven't had a proper draft yet and I need to hand it in before December!
D:
and my injuries aren't healing and it's really taking a toll on my overall health.
I really want to get active and lose all the fat but my body is giving me shit.

I want to sort my table out, it got messy again /:
and well, vc'u qrin snne evtn cf antnvin r tryysrtx sdc lnrq V xefj vc jrb r qrau bqfc
so now I'm hoping I get the next one
because it really is great. didn't want it at first but I want it a lot now.
and the Kate Spade book of the month clutches, ZOMG
this is the first time in my life I actually want to buy something branded.
but at the same time I don't want to.

argh okay priorities. things to do by this week:
1. ToK
2~~. Exercise/ diet/ whatever~~
3. ~~Get my Macbook fixed.~~ ~~the damned shit~~
4. ~~Pack table~~
5. ~~Finish~~ ~~The Door~~ ~~by Angela Carter~~
6. Finish The Waiting Years by Enchi Fumiko
7. ~~Watch~~ ~~Brokeback Mountain/ V for Vendetta/ Inglourious Basterds~~
8. Get a new phone before I go on a killing rampage

FML of the Day::

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I'm the first pregnant man. After about minutes of freaking out and explaining on how it was possible, he told me he was joking and that I'm fine, but my reaction was best thus far. FML

you know what would be awesome?

2010-11-13T21:35:00.001+08:00

you know what would make me feel so much better at this very moment?

1. ~~a new mattress~~
2. a body that wouldn't shut down on me so easily
3. a high metabolic rate
4. ~~instantaneous high speed internet ON MY MACBOOK~~ ~~the damned shit.~~
5. a smartphone with a good keypad and internet access and quick response
6. a million bucks
7. a chest brace, or better, having my pigeon chest mysteriously disappear
8. a really good movie deal
9. the answer to the ToK question
10. a PERSONAL ~~slave~~ helper, like Dorotha (:
11. a great jawline
12. a miraculous appearance of a gym and a pool in my house
13. entire series of Ugly Betty, HIMYM, BBT and American Dad in my Macbook. In HD. NOW.
14. a sudden appearance of a weird bacteria in my body that feeds on cellulite and acne
15. a time turner

2010-10-27T08:28:00.000+08:00

stupid home internet won't work for me.
damn it, macbook, why do you have to screw so early.

and I don't mind not being able to access facebook and tumblr and twitter and all that.
YET.
I just need the bloody internet to do ToK and other research for IB
and I don't see how I'm gonna complete the essay and do well if I don't get to access the stupid internet.

oh and have I mentioned that I HATE it when others look over your shoulder when you're
-checking your email
-sending a text message
-posting on your blog
-reading a text message?

HELLO~ that's why these things have passwords. they're PRIVATE until they get published.

idiot.

meh

2010-10-15T10:13:00.000+08:00

my pms is back I notice my mood swings!
agrnaervaltlaieg lav

I'm so hungry right now D;

my home's so full of junk food

and my throat hurts

so I can't eat anything

there goes my metabolism.

really need to started exercising, can't wait for my blisters to heal

in school now setting some system up and I don't get why Year 4s still don't know how to shut up.

DAMN IT.

how do they hack into facebook through the school system?

I think I only love them in class. Can't stand them outside of.

why why why are their lives so awesome and why does mine almost suck balls D;

see, I told you, PMS.

I'm hungry D;

2010-10-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

HATE BUS 518
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!
never take it during rush hour.

damn you.
why can't we get student fares.

my dad won't drive me to school until no idea when D:
man I'm NEVER gonna be early for school until no idea when D:

you know what I'm gonna do my theatre essay then get back.

fooyeah

2010-10-13T13:09:00.000+08:00

finally got my school internet connection :D
(:
using blogger because
I can't use twitter and facebook and tumblr
which is ironic because
why the hell am I social networking when all my friends are in school?
unless... *wink*

but whatever anyways I've got so much things to do for IB during the holidays
today I jerked awake because I forgot to do the 300-page physics guide.
omg how am I gonna finish that.
maybe I'll do 10 pages a day for a whole month and see what happens

need to learn how to use iPhoto as well
and do other stuff (:
argh theatre IB. ARGH.
oh and I gotta do some chinese website,
and read all the IB lit books zomg
and I think re-read all my chinese stuff as well.
damn the idiot who stole my textbooks.
I hope you get a mental block during finals.

send me somewhere D;

okay need to find the book I lost so bye (:

teen cribabies

2010-10-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

TEEN CRIBS, SO UGH.
I'm not jealous because I didn't really like the houses and the designs
but the girls, omg I can't stand them!!!

sweethearts, this is what an awesome bedroom looks like
not some stinkin' pink room where the wallpaper matches your bedsheets!!!

can you say DORK?!

yeah anyway fat burning plan failed.
argh I needa sleep more
hate review writing.

MONSTER COVER COME FAST!!!

oh and had great fun with you guys in the meeting room today
hahahaha Elias is so epic xD

yesh today was fun (:

MULBERRY (:

2010-10-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

internet connection is extremely slow.
I have no idea what happened to it.
anyways
you guys have to congratulate me,
this is the first time in 3 years I don't feel fat for 2 days in a row
and I've really been making full use of it ;D
of course the feeling's coming back
but hell at least I enjoyed my 2 days.
let's see if I can hit 40kg or lower by Christmas k :D
that'll be an x'mas present to myself (:
oh my wonderful fairy godparents bought me the monster case
as an xmas present :D :D :D
I thought the money they gave for 20$10 would be both birthday and xmas
but woah they are generous (:
I'm paying them back for everything when I'm rich.
WHEN :D
the case is taking forever to come
but meh, patience is a virtue right.
anyways career talk tomorrow,
I'm quite excited OO
if you're teenager, listen to Embers by Just Jack.
if you're not, then don't.

"the facts and the figures, they overwhelm and stifle"

wish I could sleep now. really.

MLIA of the Day::
My mom once told me that when I was young, I couldn't pronounce the "r" in "shirt", so she and my dad had to teach me how to say "blouse." MLIA.

my first kiss was something like this

2010-10-09T00:15:00.000+08:00

i can't believe i recommended 3oh!3's first kiss (ft. ke$ha) to my brother.
WORST. SISTER. EVER.

so I'm a pig, but I think everyone already knows that.
I think compulsory parties are duhmb. but despite the total loserdom of it I had my own kind of fun. I'm so afraid I'm gonna break Nabil's back one day argh.

and I think attention seekers are so annoying, as in, people should seek attention the right way, not hang around boys with the whole squeally act and giggle and don't let them touch you and yell in a high-pitched voice kind. get the hell off my train.
or be all emo and text the entire world about your plight.
and stop being emo as well because as hot as you look in, I don't know, smudged eyeliner, everybody wants to just rest on the ride, not listen to your metal. so get the hell off my train as well.
and aunty, y u kip staring at me? I know I'm ugly but I'm not as ugly as you, so I don't care how young you dress, stop looking at me like I'm the worst teenager on earth and get off my train.
WHO HATES SINGAPOREAN CULTURE.

so glad SOTA exists.
yes, we do have our handful of shitheads, but at least 98% of us are NOT socially challenged or overtly attention seeking.
have I told you guys I want to build my own Aryan community?
without killing others of course.
stupid selfish idiots, the world doesn't revolve around you.

MLIA of the Day::
Today, I went shooting as part of my work ( I'm in the air force and we have to be able to shoot to stay in) I usually am not a great shot, today however the instructor handed out Twilight posters to use as targets, I got all my shots perfectly in Edward Cullen's head. MLIA

yeah sucker yuh goin' down.
haha getit, sucker, getit xD

shit

2010-10-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

I NEED PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT.
I DID WORSE THAN ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE AND EVERYONE'S JUST CRYING EXCEPT FOR OUR WONDERFUL CHINDIAN FRIEND WHO'S BEEN SMIRKING AWAY (TYVM PAL) AND I'M IN A VERY WEIRD STATE OF ZEN.
SHIT, I EVEN TOLD MY PARENTS MY RESULTS.
AND I SPOKE TO THEM ON THE PHONE.
WHO THE HELL IS IN A PROPER MENTAL STATE TO EVEN SPEAK AFTER RESULTS LIKE THAT!
MY DAD'S BAD AT GIVING SERIOUS TALKS, THANK THE LORD. LITERALLY.o

okay it's also quite hard to be sad when you have so many cute things in your room smiling at you.

haha these 6 extremely cute figurines from London. HANDMADE.

love the Lion and the Slug :D

Mr. Clumsy, Mr. Happy, Mr. Greedy, Mr. Nosey, Mr. Small, Little Miss Sunshine (x2)
which my brother got for me :D
he's the sweetest bwudduh evuhhhh
and he's fat.

precious moments.
see the one on the left? that's the birth of Christ.
SCREW YOU LI REN if you're reading this I'M A GOOD CHRISTIAN YOU SHITFACE.

Many's gingerbread man! :D
Yes it looks defeated but hey if you get ironed by me all the time the last thing you'd do is smile.

and not to forget...

SERIOUSLY HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LOVE IT!!!! :D
Have I told you that my sister calls it Usher? :D

guys you can go mope and cry and stuff it's really good for you.
I can't cry you guys know that.
but since what's done's done,
I'm choosing to skip the moping and just accept it like a punch to the nose and stay happy and enjoy the last of my freedom before Hell in 2011.
what do you choose?

erbgckwhrfleflq

2010-10-04T22:29:00.000+08:00

results tomorrow but uh, I don't know how to react.
I'm not having the "OMG I'm gonna fail" mentality but I don't have the "YES my results are gonna rock" mentality either.
I have a mixture of both good and bad feelings and I-duhno-whut feelings

and I'm so annoyed that I still have no time to myself AFTER exams. WHY THE HELL are we staying back for meetings when we can just have them during school hours since we're not having lessons anymore?!
waste of time.
and woah good thing I went to school today, they got stricter about attendance OO

LOVE THIS STAIRCASE.

can someone take me on a holiday? please??????
<3

GMH of the Day::
I'm very skinny and am never confident in my body. One day, my mom forced me to go buy a graduation dress. I felt ugly and skinny. When I got out the dressing room to show my mom my dress. A small girl about 4 or 5 said "Mommy, she's so pretty. Is she a princess?" and pointed straight at me.It was the first time I felt pretty. Kids GMH

why why why can't I be like that!!!!

2010-10-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

WOOHOO AWESOMEST CHILDREN'S DAY EVER!!!!
Decided to sleep in instead of waking up EARLY to PREPARE for a Celebration that wasn't even meant for us, and it was such a GREAT decision.
DISNEY MARATHON!!!! :D

Watched this first.
She's so feisty and brave I love her
the story plot is so good, Avatar can totally suck balls because Grandmother Willow totally OWNS Eywa.
and the song, how can ANYONE not love Alan Menken for doing this to the world?
now Just Around the Riverbend is stuck in my head :D
oh and Calif told me that John Smith's a pedo because Pocahontas is FOURTEEN?!
Ruby you have anything to say /:

Cinderella JAMMED UP HALFWAY D;
dammit.
but I love love love love GUS GUS.
he's the main reason why I chose to watch this show :D
hurhurhur
but if I were this woman I'd totally have escaped when I had the chance.
Somehow I think of Iida when I look at her.

I always loved the starting song
and really people, who is genius enough to start a fairytale with STAINED GLASS WINDOWS?
FOOYEAH!!!
I kept thinking of beastility after they fell in love so, uh, yeah. uncomfortable.
and I don't like the fact he has long hair D;
ME LOVE CHIP and everyone else and
in your face, Alan Menken wrote the songs.
HAH.
oh and I think Belle looks like Michelle Trachtenberg from certain angles OO

I felt like watching an animal movie so it was either this or Dumbo and I wanted a character that could talk so, here it is.
Animals being in love is just so weird for me, I always felt awkward during Can You Feel the Love Tonight
and oh, Young Simba's singing voice sounds like Bieber. Sorry to those who absolutely hate Bieber and love Simba.
Can't wait for the musical :D :D :D

Wanted to re-watch Cinderella since it jammed halfway but it was too dark and too warm and my neck hurt.
so yeah.
Currently watching THE MAKING OF (a lot of Disney films) now (:

you guys would be so Mindblown.
HOW CAN ANYONE NOT SAY DISNEY IS PHENOMENAL?!?!?!

mehness

2010-09-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

my face is caked full of dirt.
argh so disgusted.

my neck looks horrible.

and sheeeet I keep forgetting to settle my Macbook priorities.
argargjangngalna me bad D;

so much stuff on my to-do list which I haven't sorted out yet D;

should I get a job as a barista?
because I really wanna earn some cash during the holidays /:

NEWTWITTER IS FUN :D

GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THIS LIBRARY IN MY HOUSE.
either that or a million bucks, tyilyvm (:

yay Mr. Greedy

2010-09-29T21:05:00.000+08:00

my brother gave me Mr. Greedy!!!!
yay me loves me brother :D
my sister stole it from me and now I can't find it though D;
me no loves me sister hmph

hope tomorrow goes fine
I can't sing high how the hell did I end up soprano.
and boohoo I'm forever alone, nobody's adding me on my new email address
even though I added EVERYONE.
psht, no friends D;

and fyeah I have the complete seasons of GG 2 &3 and Glee on my macbook,
and half a season of HIMYM 4 &5 and GG 1 xD
and loads of movies.
wow, great prioritising Vick.

25 GB dedicated to entertainment and IB folders.
how do I survive.

hmmmm

I have a Christmas wish list ready
but what's the point of getting me something I want but is not EXACTLY what I want?
and I really really really want want want my MONSTER CASE D;
nanta on saturday
buds on sunday
school on monday D;
kill joy.

I rant too much.
gonna try puking now.

JUST KIDDING :D

MLIA of the Day::
Today, I saw a police car get pulled over by another police car. MLIA

jealousy? what?

2010-09-28T00:27:00.000+08:00

somebody's leavinnnnn

anyways
just this morning I was feeling quite happy in general.
like yeah, I'm happy now, life's good for now, I'm pretty lucky.

and then somehow along that line my mood just changes?!
like sheeet (complains about physique) sheeeeeet (complains about school) and then SHEEEEETTT!!!!! (complains about everything else)

does anyone go through this?
please tell me, because it's not PMS and if you guys do NOT have this thing as well
that means I need to see a psychiatrist.

REALLY.

well gonna go off now.
I love you guys, but I sure as hell don't wanna go to school tomorrow D;

hate you liars.

2010-09-25T23:46:00.000+08:00

thanks to all the liars out there who keep telling me I'm not fat and my legs are not disgusting and I'm not ugly and my arms are not fat and I don't need to work out or go for surgery or anything.
I'm so glad I never believed you for a second.
and I'm so sick of waiting for someone to actually help me do something about my disability.

and why can't we get money as Christmas presents?
I'd rather be given the money to buy something I like than to be given something I don't even like in the first place.
everyone knows how picky and anal I can get about my stuff.
just saying. you know what, next lunar new year I'm gonna keep about 30% of my money to buy the things I ACTUALLY NEED AND LIKE and I'll think of something for Christmas.

I want to scream at every single person who's been feeding me lies.
I hope tomorrow's better than toNIGHT, because toNIGHT SUCKS BALLS.

MR. * Little Ms. TRADE!

2010-09-21T19:32:00.000+08:00

okay this is serious.

I'm willing to trade this:

for any of these:

.

tyvm(:

mehsery

2010-09-20T21:29:00.000+08:00

whoo my brother finally got facebook, but haha so pathetic xD

yup, that's my brother for you xD

and spent my Saturday at MBS doing theatre instead of having fun.
KING SUITE BABAYE.
this is only HALF the crib:

and a small section of the other half...

has a mini-gym and yoga corner. wuhhhhhhhht.
permission given to die of jealousy.

me wants to lives here.

anyway theatre, totally sucks.
bless me.

okay now just trying to figure out how I can
go to church
meet up with Dawn
watch Nanta with my godmother
on 2 October
without having to sacrifice either
because,
believe it or not, religious, loyal, filial me wants to do all three
YES I DO PUNK.

so how how how.
wha.
anyways I love being stagnant once in a while.

uh, gotta continue on theatre now,
I present in 16 hours.
BLESS MEEEEEE

MLIA of the Day::
Today, I got a fortune cookie. It said "About time I got out of that cookie." MLIA

argh I can't find a proper thinspiration to motivate me on my desktop. waaaaah D;

mofo I'm awesome

2010-09-11T00:40:00.000+08:00

I GOT HURT FEELINGS I GOT HURT FEELINGS.
hahahahaha funny song go check it out :D :D :D
yeah Kirts you awesome :D

eh what, no mood to do theatre now.
sheeeeeet.oh & Selamat Hari Raya
Crystle, if you're reading this, SELAMAT HARI RAYA! :D

I'm AWESOME!!!!
love that song as well hahahahahahahaha

meh, really should do theatre.

okay here's something entertaining:

There is a minimum number of people needed to classify a disturbance as a “riot.” It has to be at least 3 people.

HAHAHAHA ME, ZACK AND MANDURHXXXX.

AND SHUT UP ABOUT JGL already,
I love that guy but he's honestly getting overrated.

love ya (:

oh oh and today's study session was great :D
someone was in a baaaaad mood
but uh, I enjoyed myself (:

what to wear tomorrow? /:

2010-09-08T22:27:00.000+08:00

I'm going nuts.
I've been asking my giraffe for fashion advice and what to wear tomorrow
because it has all-knowing something. Wisdom? something. haha
Look at how adorable it is :::

:D

going crazy now
it's hard to feel good in your skin and clothes when you're having an extremely fat day and going out with a bunch of bitches who are supposed to be your friends y'know.
I still don't know why I feel inferior in front of them even though I know I have so much more than them besides cellulite.
I have tons of clothes I admit but none of them can hide the UADD and forever expanding pigeon chest. thighs, I've given up. it's the torso I'm pissed about.
and I'm so desperate I have to consult my giraffe.
in my dad's glasses.

LORD help me.

anyone noticed that my blogger is having trouble with colour? D:
no, because no one reads this thing. hahahaforeveralonehahaha

I actually think I wouldn't be having this fashion crisis if we lived in a temperate climate.

iconfactoryrules

2010-09-08T00:13:00.001+08:00

LOVE MY ICONS!!!
SHOULD I KEEP IT?

<3<3<3<3<3<3

giraffe

2010-09-07T02:25:00.000+08:00

HEEHEE THAT'S MY GIRAFFE IN MY SOTA JUMPER :D
ahhhh love my Giraffe :D

2010-09-06T01:31:00.001+08:00

the last thing I wanna do now is study because I don't see the point in trying when no one's gonna give you the chance to succeed in the first place

theatough

2010-09-06T01:28:00.000+08:00

theatre finals are killing me.

I missed the briefing session because of MP and now I have a high chance of screwing it up

I don't even get what Mac is saying in the question paper

and I really don't know which teacher to trust anymore.

Last year Tobin said I was treating Theatre too much like an academic subject and I got penalised for it

so I toned it down and presented my work to him, and he said it was much better

and I do the same this year and Mac says I'm not treating Theatre like a subject

and I should approach it from an academic point of view

and hell I'm sucking at everything.

theatre is NOT a subject, I feel like we're bastardising it.

I don't even dare clarify anything with the teachers anymore

because I get scolded for "not listening" and really,

I shouldn't even be chided for not focusing in class when I give as much focus, if not more than, as everyone else.

GMH of the Day::
Last night, I was about to kill myself. I had the razor in my hand, and I had put it to my wrist and began to cut. Then my sister ran out, and thought I had hurt myself on accident. She got me a bandage and told me to be more careful, because she didn't want me to die. She's four. She will never know, but she saved my life. She GMH.